我不寂寞，因为有你陪

2006-12-23T19:17:00.000+08:00

I am SUPPOSED to stop blogging ... but I have not finished uploading the photos, as I have found out, so I shall continue to finish the last bit ...

Me caught acting cute ... bleah ...

Me and cynthia acting cute .. bleah ... all act cute pics ...

2006-12-18T09:15:00.000+08:00

Hahahaz ... I personally loved this song ... this song walked me through my A levels ... has a lot of emotions stirring up in my heart as I listen to this song ... It just brings back a lot of fond memories ... hahahaz ... but memories will still remain as memories ... they can never be reality again ... :)

我比想像中爱你
词:陈忠义/萧人凤
曲:陈忠义
演唱:JS
飞的越远越看不见
你阳光下灿烂的笑脸
在天和海之间那条界线
慢慢地走远
你曾经是我的地平线
你有没有一点想念
我们一起去年的夏天
有种爱的感觉
在心里面
那么的强烈
而这一切好像只是昨天
我才发现我比想像中爱你
只是一时不小心错过了你
每当夜深人静
我诚实的分析我自己
还是不可否认的
我比想像中爱你
浪花掠过沙滩边境（海风就像你的呼吸）
我又看见我们的脚印（那曾是回忆的痕迹）
如果遇见幸福的机率要千万分之一
不顾一切也要找回你
我才发现我比想像中爱你
只是一时不小心错过了你
每当夜深人静我诚实的分析我自己
总会从梦中惊醒
还是不可否认的
我比想像中爱你
WOO~~~~
终于发现我比想像中爱你
只是一时不小心错过了你
每当夜深人静我诚实的分析我自己
总会从梦中惊醒
还是不可否认的
我比想像中爱你

Thank you those who left fond memories within my 2 yrs of JC life. :)

2006-12-17T19:58:00.000+08:00

Okie ... the prom nite pic ...

Me, Zhi Hui and Jing Chuan ...

Zhi Hui and Yi ting ...

Jess, Qiu Han adn Me ...

Ah Gong and Me! :)

Me and Ying Hui ... gosh ... Ying Hui looks so elegant ... :)

Me and Sock Hoon ... gosh she is beautiful ... :)

Me and Ee Hui ...

Me and Zhong Qi ...

The Cat High buddy! bleah ... bhb ...

Me at Ministry of Sound! Went to chiong ... hahahahaz ... :)

Okie ... these are the last of the pics ... I hereby announce that from now onwards, there will be no more blogging. This is the last entry and I will be opening the blog only for photo viewing. Thanks for all the support. :)

2006-12-16T19:52:00.000+08:00

Okie ... b4 I start uploading photos for prom nite, I must upload this photo to show tt my mission is accomplished.

This was me and Calvin n months ago. Well, finally he initiated tt we should not keep in contact. Guess whatever Ii owe him has been returned. Well, finally got burden off my back. Hahahaz ...

This is wad Chin Si Min gave me on my bday ... thanks a lot! :)

2006-12-15T19:27:00.000+08:00

Me and yuze ...

Me, shijia and Peifen ...

Me, shijia, Peifen, and Xiaoyi ...

Me and darling Wenjie! :P

Shijia, Jie yi and Jocelin ...

Shijia, Su Ngin and Jocelin ...

S4C, Plus Justin and Chee How and me ... :)

Neilson and me acting cute! :P

Me and Ah tak! :P

2006-12-15T00:04:00.000+08:00

30 November 2006 Afternoon and evening

Evening was bbq! :P Delicious food. Got Meng tak and Eugene to cook for me first. Hahhaahz ... went to buy food in the afternoon...

Xiao yi aka da jie ...

Birthday cake! :P

Me and xiao yi! :)

Meng tak, JC, and whoever else bought the cap for me, thanks a million!

The three bday boys ... I finally caught Neilson smiling! :P

href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/7089/817/1600/177866/pic%20046.jpg">
Yes yes yes ... three of us again ...

One whole grp of us? hahahaz ... dun need to name ba ...

2006-12-14T00:52:00.000+08:00

30th November 2006
The long dreaded day came ...

My extra xian face ....

The half-boiled egg she treated me! :) tastes great! :)

Me and her again ...

Need to say? :)

Me at the airport viewing mall ...

Who is she? :P

2006-12-12T00:18:00.000+08:00

Our smilely faces! :)

We tried to take another one, but ...

The balloon came out! Hahahaz ... we named the balloon: the one with the yellow tag is called CL; the one without is called JS, just like Mumble and Gloria. A clearer view of this ...

A bit blur lahx ... hahahaz ...

Gotcha! =p

2006-12-11T23:28:00.000+08:00

Argh! I got enough of writing the personal portfolio! I dunno wad to write! Shall ask Colleen for help. Anyway ... the pictures are up ... will load them one by one.

Went with Colleen on 29th November to Sushi Tei in the evening. Hahahaz ... the photos ...

Look at the food. We ate the same dish! Hahahaz ... 20 min later ...

It is all gone! =p

Her warm smile? :)

She says she looks ghostly in this pic ... hahahaz ... maybe the flash made her look so white ...

The whiter me? hahahaz ... the flash was so bright!

The darker me ... haiz ...

After which, we went to watch Happy Feet. the show was nice ... in the sense it ended of well. Hahahaz ... after which, we went to take a stroll around the Esplanade area, where we sat and chatted, and ...

2006-12-01T14:52:00.000+08:00

We are living in a world of deception. We are living in a mirage, an illusion, a place full of inter-woven lies. We are working and moving in a place where everything is decieving, and nothing remains real. We are the narcisstic humans, trying to show of our ego and pride, living in a world of our own. We only care for ourselves. The death of others does not matter if it brings glory to us. All of those words that we speak of, those flattery and flowery languages to we use to decieve our friends and people around us are merely a decpetion to hide our true selves. In fact, we are unsure of our true selves. We dont know who we really are. All we care about is our safety, our feelings, our inner self. So what we do is to bury ourselves in the world that we have created for ourselves to live in, to ignore the real world. We hated to be betrayed, yet we betray the rest. We wished to be loved, yet we dont wish to love the others. Paradoxical, narcisstic and selfish humans. We want others to serve us wholeheartedly, but we dont want to serve the others in the same way. We hide in the world of our own to avoid the truth. We dont wish to see the light at the end of the tunnel because we are afraid that the light is too bright for our eyes. We dont want to risk, because we are afraid the risk turns into danger and finally, fatal death. We dont want to get out of our safety zone, because the winds on the outer ends are fiercer that we can ever think of. We just want to be protected, safe and sound.

Just an update of what is happening these few days. I will be abandoning this blog after posting the last post which will be ready within a few day's time. This is purely wasting time, trying to indulge myself into a world on my own and expressing only my feelings. What a great way to throw away time. Anyway, the next post i will be posting up all the pictures i have took these few days and do a more detailed commentary on it. Now is the rough one.

29 November 2006
Had a fight with Calvin in the afternoon. An sms fight. Childish, isn't it? All because he doesn't care about me and he thinks I dun care about him, as well as I am dumbstruck by the way he told me things. And the fight did not begin with me. It begins with his ego. His pride. He thinks I dun trust him at all. He thinks I am just toying with his feelings. Whatever. I had enough of such nonsense. He can continue to brood over it. I have nothing to say. Went for lunch, then to Borders to buy some book. A religious book. Healthy for the development of the person's mind and soul. Met Colleen in the evening to have dinner, then went to watch a movie, before going out for a stroll at the Esplanade. Dun ask me why. We are all along close friends.

30 November 2006
Slept over at S4C's chalet. Well, never sleep but had a stroll around Pasir Ris beach with Meng Tak. He seems to understand what I am going through at that time. After which went to sleep for a while before Meng Tak woke me up. The dreaded moment arrives as I travel to Changi Airport to send Colleen off for her flight to Hong Kong. It was kinda tough to fight back feelings of uncertainty and sadness, but nevertheless, we must still part. Went for breakfast with her that morning at a nearby cafe. Ater which went home to take a nap, then rushed down to Seng Shiong Supermarket in Pasir Ris to meet up with the S4C gang. Went to prepare food for bbq that night. It was much more fun than the S9C bbq. At least I get to cook chicken wings on my own. After which they celebrated Neilson, Hu Nan, and my birthday. But it was more of my birthday because that day was my birthday. Well dun bother asking why I am born on this stupid day. Ask my mother. Anyway, got prsents from Meng Tak and Pei Yee. Kinda like Pei Yee's present. Very nice and well done. Can see that she spent a lot of time to make the gift. There was also a touching passage on it. Think that is very lovely. After which, I was too lethargic to stay awake. Good night.

1 December 2006
Went home. Went to White Sands to eat before I went home. On the train I was so tired that I fell asleep with Meng Tak's mp3 in my ears. the music he listened to was soothing enough to let me sleep. After tt, went home to meet this idiotic blog. Anyway, going with Meng Tak and Eugene to the gym to run later. Meeting my cousin for the midnight movie she promised tonight.

That's all for today blog. I had enough of your silly face.

2006-11-29T13:41:00.000+08:00

The emotions from my heart flooded my whole body as the birthday cake of mine and ZH was carried out by Eric Ng during the chalet. I dun expect them to celebrate for my birthday, especially when i dun wish to have such a noisy birthday. I longed for a quiet birthday and hoped that no one knows my birthday. Unfortunately, the big-mouthed Cliffven knows about it! Hahahahaz ... but anyway, thanks for all ur effort and your heart, Cliffven. I am really touched. Of course, not excluding Jackie, Marcus (who bought the cake), Da Jie, Lionel, Zhi Hao, Siew Hon, Teng Leong, and whoever the rest are ...

There is someone I really have to thank. Without her, I don't even know how i will manage to pass this two years. She is very supportive of me, and of course in turn i will be supportive of her too. I am really glad to have such a friend, standing always by my side, supporting me quietly without anyone knowing, helping me up to clear the mess i always create, and give me the courage to move on. Both of us are in partnership for 2 years, and this partnership would not have lasted if she gave up ... Thanks to my CT rep, Zhi Hui! :)

Calvin is very annoyed with wad i have done. I believed I have appeased him enough. But on the same time, his anger makes me feel happier. If he is not angry, den I would have felt guilty for making use and taking advantage of him. Now, it is a whole different story. His anger makes me feel happier. At least I am not feeling guilty or unhappy because he is still very good to me. Everyday, for the past few months, I have been carrying the thoughts of guilt and unhappiness, and trying to please him, currying favour out of him, to ensure tt I get what I want. Just now, over the phone, the sentence "You are not important" made me feel better, Well, since I have chosen to treat him in this manner, I guess it is only right for him to do so in the same way. I hope he continues treating me this way. Then I dun need to go through mental torture again. Hahahaz ... I have never treasured him all along, because simply of the fact tt I dun take him as a friend from start. We may appear close, like wad Cliffven says, but I still think our beliefs are miles apart. I dun believe in close relationship and friendship, coz I really cant trust. Trust only comes when I believe tt. He thinks I am apologetic for what I have done, but I am seriously trying to keep friendship only. He thinks I am sticking to him like a pest, but he doesn't know tt what I am trying to do is just merely to humour him. He thinks tt by venting his anger on me, I will suffer and cry and try to ask for his forgiveness. That is totally wrong. He doesn't understand what I am thinking. He doesn't understand what I want. What I have told Da jie, him and Zhi Hui are just merely to hide my guilt, my cruelty, my hatred, my love, whatever emotions tt i have gone through. Surprised? Shocked? Disgusted by the way I behave? I have split personality, and no one except Faith knows. He thinks all I want is just company. Everyone thinks wad I am writing is this blog is a true reflection of my feelings. Well, that is pure trash. If he treats me better, maybe i might have been touched twice. But he did the reverse.

Eric Ng was the opposite of him. When I was angry with him, when I quarreled with him, he used a different way of doing things. Appeasement, trying to keep my emotions down. Although at tt point in time of time i was really pissed, but nobody with the exception of him knows tt I wasn't really angry with him. I just want a little more attention, more care and more concern from him. Hahahaz ... silly of me ... but as I said, we grow up as we move on. Now, we are still friends who can talk and chat with each other. But I just realised the problem between both of us. We understand what each other might be thinking, but the problem is we cannot clique! Hahahaz ... I found out that almost everytime on the bus, or even on the way to school, i found out tt our conversation always ended up in silence, no matter how hard i tried to keep talking. Hahahaz ... well i dun mind. At least we are still friends in the end. At least we can still go out in the future.

Actually, I think it was a mistake to try and appease him by sending that message to him yesterday night. But well, never mind. I dun tink i will be seeing him anyway. After prom nite, the shadows of him will be cleared from my mind. And I shall make sure tt dis time, i will never talk to him again, no matter how much i wish to maintain distant friendship with him. Hahahaz ... I am evil ... I am very cruel ... but is he nice to me in the first place?

2006-11-24T19:10:00.000+08:00

The sounds of the teacher "pens down" mark the start of my happy days and the end of the torturing days. As the papers went back to the examiners, how i wish they could increase their speed of collection. Oh my god, they are collecting to slowly!! Hahahaz ... Finally, after a long trememdous, torturing, idiotic, irritating, wadever u can use to describe in a negative way, it is finally over! Hahahahaz ...glad tt i will never be so moody everyday anymore. Games like DOTA, WOW, Diablo II awaits me!!! Hahahahaz ... i finally can touch the com after so much struggle. Hurrays to the ends of A's! :)

Eric, pls dun say wad you have said just now on the bus. It sounds wierd from you. Unlike you. Furthermore, it is not your fault entirely. It is also due to my pettiness and my unforgiving heart tt caused all this trouble. Dun ask for my forgiveness, because I will have to ask for your forgiveness as well. If you think tt you have done me wrong, den i have similarly done you wrong too. As a man, why should i be petty over small details? If what you have done has made me angry, den wad i have done would have hurt you even more! Hahahaz ... so why bother apologising? If we are still buddies, promise me tt u will never remind me of my folly, my faults and misdeeds again ... Let's bury the past and look forward to the future.

Okie ... tmw i am running with Meng Tak ... cool ... finally starting to train ... hahahaz ... if not i would still be slacking. Sunday swimming with JC, Monday to Friday chalet ... argh!!! Hahahahaz ... too much fun! :) Colleen, thanks for staying up with me yesterday night to chat, though i know u r very lethargic ... thanks a lot my friend for standing beside me, supporting me throughout my A's ... hahahaz ... without your support, maybe i already start falling apart. :) Lastly, must not forget DEAR Calvin! Wahahahaz ... no lahx ... just appreciating ... dun tink dirty ... :p

2006-11-23T16:35:00.000+08:00

Well ... got bored with studying ...so i just came down to take a look ... :)

Went out with Peiyee, Eugene, Yuze, Neilson, Juncheng, Su Ngin, Meng Tak, and Yu Xiang yesterday ... well in the end we went up going to esplanade to chat for the whole night ... hahahahaz ... the feeling was great! Su Ngin and Yu Xiang had something on so they left first ... and we continued chatting. I was kinda very happy until ...

Yuze asked me, "What happened between your boyfriend and you?" It almost swept my mood all away ... argh! He sux! but nevertheless ... haiz ... tt statement just brings back fond memories .. hahahaz ... well glad tt everything is over ... he kinda accepted it within a day ... and i am absolutely glad tt he managed to do tt ... anyway we were only "good friends" in the first place ... I just wanna break out from his presence ... may his disappearance bring more peace to me ... hahahahaz ...

Well, I feel tt it is very paradoxical of me and my classmates. We fought, we quarrelled, all just because of our face, our pride, our ego. We speak harsh words to each other. We tried to shame each other in public. We never stop trying to hate the person, trying to keep him away from u, when deep in your heart, u only realised tt his presence gives u the comfort, gives u what u really want. Paradoxical, isn't it? Why do man have to be so dumb to realise it only when it is too late? Why cant everyone realise the importance of such a friend to stay by your side, to support you and help u? Well, I am sure Lionel and Tony have realised their importance, but have I? I really dunno. I have taken someone for a ride. And when I just figured out who i really trusted, the person is alr miles apart from me. We may be good friends in the past, but the past can never be revived. If I were given a chance, I would not have done the same thing. But i have done it. Wad can i do but to regret?

Byez everyone ... back to my studying of my last freaking subject ... wish me luck ... Eric Ng ... thanks for ur willingness to come down to school tmw to hand up the result slip ... though i know u would wanna slack at home very very very much .... wahhahhaahahaz ...

2006-11-21T23:14:00.000+08:00

Hi! :) Back to blogging! Yay! Closing to the end of exams ... feeling so great ... =p ... Hahahahahaz ...

Hmmm ... went through another emotional breakthrough ... realised tt I have lost what I really wanted. Well ... wad is lost is alr lost ... i cannot find it again ... but wad i can do is to treasure wad i have now ... n really take them to my heart. :)

This two urs is a veri long path ... i have walked my jc life with 2 different friends ... excluding my boyfriend ... each having their own unique characteristics and influence ... but my jc life was with them. I dun dare to think wad will happen if life was without them, coz it will be a dull life. Yes, though we may hate each other now, we may feel awkward talking to each other now, but at least we know tt some where, someday, sometime, we were together, talking abt our dreams, showing our childishness ... giving each other problems, quarrelling with each other, then regretting for doing such a childish act. Well all these are just part and parcel of life. Once we grow up, we learn from our mistakes. We learnt tt all these are just foolish, hating someone just because he doesn't care enough for you, or loathing someone because u r in love with her. All this just show the young innocent me, wanting love, desiring for care and a little more love from everyone around me. Well, life just goes on, and there's nothing to stop it. Let me grow from these embarrassments, and let me grow from all my downfalls. May I just rise like a dragon from the sea, and continue to aspire for wad i wan. :)

Oh, i need to announce tt i am breaking up with my boyfriend with effect from Monday, 20 November 2006, 8pm. As I was thinking, wad he needs is private space to breathe. And wad i need is even MORE private space to breathe. Got enough homework to burden me, and i have to see his moody face to ask him help me with my work. Well, kinda got sick of it. Maybe it is best tt we go on our own ways, den maybe we may still remain as accquaintances. Of course, we were only good friends because of work. We may still remain indifferent to each other, like wad i was to him half a yr ago. I just know tt there is someone in my class by dis name! Wow! One yr passed and i just know dis! Hahahaz ... of course, dis signifies tt we can nvr be gd friends ever again, maybe friends or even accquaintances, like going for lunch occasionally or when i am lonely, but not to the extent of talking to each other for 1 hour a day, not to the extent of purposely taking out 2 hours of his time to come down to my house to teach me physics when there is physics exams the next day, and more importantly, no more romantic night walks at night. Sounds very sick and disgusting when i come to tink of it. Makes my hair stand. Wad was intriguing was tt even Faith said, "Can you just officially get together with him? He is so nice to u!" I almost fainted!!! I know he is very to the power of 10 nice to me, but i am no gay. I guess the best way to repay him is to leave him alone from now onwards. It is also the best way to solve my problem.

Hohohohoho ... my bday is coming ... dunno who is going to give me a surprise on 29th november? or is it a shock? i dunno ... guess she will know wad to do with me on tt day ... well ... e point is ... for dis yr, i just wan a quiet bday. Not a noisy one. Maybe tt's y i called her out. Hahahaz ... i tink she is quite quiet and it just makes me feel comfortable. I dun wan one whole big gang to celebrate with me; i just need a quiet one, simple and sweet friend, to walk me around Singapore, to stroll around quiet places, to sit down and look at stars. Tt's all. I hope she wont shock me with anything else. Pls my good friend, dun try anything funny k? :)

My dear Faith, when are you going to give all ur time to me? I am rotting ... I dun care ... I wan u on ur last paper!!! Dun give me anymore excuses ... e stars are waiting for u ... hahahahaz ...

2006-11-09T20:28:00.000+08:00

不准哭
歌手:同恩专辑:不准哭

我把自己反锁在空荡荡的房屋
感谢你让我想个清楚
因为爱你所以我不做你的包袱
我不需要谁温柔安抚
请放心我很快能恢复
找到一个人陪我漫步
不准哭
我不要装可怜无辜
挡住你的路挡不住你追逐
不准哭
我更应该微笑祝福
祝你找到对的幸福
如果我消失不见
你在乎不在乎
别含含糊糊我很在乎
因为爱你所以我选另外一条路
离开是我的最后让步
爱情就到这里结束
我们不得不不得不屈服
只能笑
不准哭
我不要装可怜无辜
挡住你的路挡不住你追逐
不准哭
我学不会微笑祝福
祝你找到
祝你找到对的幸福

不敢下雨了

2006-11-09T19:56:00.000+08:00

雨下得很大,雨点打落在梧桐叶上,天空乌黑一片,看不见任何光芒.我站在那空荡荡的车站里,对那迎面而来的雨水感到疲倦,困顿.车子三三两两,络绎经过,就是不见我要的那辆车.等了多时,在那阴暗的车站里,乌云遮蔽了天空的光辉,见不到一丝的曙光.正准备收拾心情,乘搭德士回家的当儿,天降奇迹.

过了一年,下了更大的雨,刮起了强风,天空更加阴暗,巴士车站还是依然那么冷清,被淋湿的我感到更加寒冷,风却不了解我的痛苦,刮得更加猛烈.等了多时,还是见不到我要的那辆车.正准备收拾心情,打电话给家人,叫他们送我回家,天又降了奇迹.

不到三个月,我又在同样的车站等车.你是否会撑着雨伞来接我呢?看着你的缩影迎面而来,越来越靠近,我似乎有了希望.

但你我却擦肩而过,头也不回的走了.只见你的背影离我越来越远,我们的距离似乎增加了许多.

过了一个月,车站仍然空空的.我却不敢在那等车了.

可笑的是,天更加不敢下雨了.

2006-10-28T23:58:00.000+08:00

Well, today is a bad day. I just cant control my mood. Going bonkers because of exams. The stress of exams. It just comes like a menstrual cycle. Argh ... Why do people keep questioning the truth? Argh ... tt disturbs me a lot. Why? Why bother to find out the truth when you know that the truth doesn't affect you at all? Wierd ...
Okie ... will talk about this bloody cycle affecting my brains later ...

I am touched. I am touched by your sincerity, but at the same time I am skeptical about your sincerity. I really dunno what to do with you. Please tell me what to do. Paradoxical, isn't it? I can sense his willingness to sacrifice for this friendship, and i can feel that he is true to me. But what I cannot feel is his loyalty. What I cannot feel is what he really thinks of me. Worst of all, what I cannot assure myself is that he will stand beside me always whenever i need him. I feel confused by him. What does he want from me? What does he wish out of me? Many question marks flew into my head. But I was really touched.

I dunno why I have such contradictory feelings. All along I tried to take advantage of him, I try to hide my feelings. But the truth is: I have already accepted him as a very close friend. As the second me. I hate to admit it, but I really cannot force this idea out of my head. I tried many ways to trick myself to think tt I am only making use of him. I told myself a thousand times. A million times. But as wad I have said earlier, he ripped the lies open and just burnt them away. Oh my god. I feel so silly. I could not believe his trust in me, his sacrifice for me. I dunno how to react. Perhaps wad Faith said is correct. The truth is we do not want to know it. We do not want to know wad is the truth. We know them deep in our heart, that this is the cold, hard fact and truth. There is no doubt about it. Still, being ignorant of the truth, we still try to cover up the truth with more and more lies, pieces and pieces of lies, just to cover up what we do not wish to believe. But the fact still remains.

However, i dun feel secure at all. Being a suspicious person, I am always suspicious of those who are around me. Do they treat me well? Are they here for other purposes? When I need help, will he be the first to stretch out his hand, or do I have to wait until I die before he finally yawns and see me dead? I dunno. I tried once before. I am sure Lionel knows what am I talking about. i dunno. I feel a lot of uncertainties during tt time, but the fact that he was willing to accompany me till 11 at night without even caring whether he is tired or not makes me feel warm enough to be with him. He did not show them in front of everyone, but he showed them discreetly. Hmmm... sounds gay? We are far from it. He has a crush and I have someone to look out for. But his willingness to sacrifice made me really touched. I dunno. I dun see light at the end of the tunnel. He doesn't really speak to me in the presence of the others. I feel wierd, especially when he is so close to you when he is alone with you, but he is so far from you when he is in the presence of everyone.

Anyway, changing to another person ... why is she ignoring my sms? Am I really tt irritating? Oh my god. I feel myself so useless. I dunno wad is she thinking. This is another one of the very close friends I wanna make. Similarly I tried the same method. I tried to shut her out of my mind. I try not to think of her. But I found out tt at times i need her presence to give myself confidence, her words to make me feel better, and her encouragement for me to move on. I tink she is another supporting pillar of me. I did not dare to tell her from the start, but i tink she will be a very good friend to me. From her willingness to help me whenver i need help, i feel really secure with her around. Being a radioactive person, I am always very scared of my surroundings. I dun wish to wake myself up, but in the end i know i have to slap myself up from these dreams and tell myself to return to reality. I feel paranoid. I am feeling confused.

Thank you Faith for your kind encouragement and support. Never to forget my mother in law to. Hahahaz ... you guys rox! :)

2006-10-26T23:41:00.000+08:00

This will be a quick post ... not related to earlier posts ...

Why do i have to wait until dis late in the night for ur sms, waiting eagerly for u to reply every time i sms you, but in the end have all my hopes dashed?

Why do I have to admire you quietly, from far, with fear of letting you know wad i am thinking, with fear tt you will see wad i am thinking?

Why do I have wait and wait and wait for you to come everyday, although in my heart, i already know tt you will not come?

Why do I have to look up in the sky at night, and sigh and keep thinking, "When will you be together with me to watch the stars?"

I keep wondering, why is it tt you never sms me, to ask me how am i, to care for me, and give me courage and hope?

Why do I feel so strange everytime i see you, whenever i meet u or sms you, my heart just thumps so hard dat i feel so painful?

How i wish you belong to me ...

2006-10-22T01:52:00.000+08:00

After studying with Faith, I felt much better dis days. My days are numbered. Are you willing to take out ur time to see your dying friend? i suppose you wont read dis ... so well ... dun bother.

Pls. Pls stop blocking me. I am really tired trying to keep up with the relationship tt we have. Pls let me take a good rest and nvr see you again. Pls. I cannot lose something tt is more precious than you: a person who is more capable in understanding me. She is really my inner good friend. She really understands me inside out, juz like a sister understanding her siblings. Your appearance has almost made me lose her, if not alr. Pls. I beg of you. You have snatched me away of my social life, and ripped me apart to dig out my heart. U can take wadever you want. But pls, leave me alone with her. Dun try to snatch her position. No one can. I have lost total faith in you. No more trust in you. I give up. Totally surrender myself to the cruelty of heavens. We are not fated at all to start with. Even in friendships, we still need fate. If we have so much obstacles to go through and i have to suffer this immense sufferings alone, den i rather u disappear out of my sight. At least ur disapearance will relieve me of my sufferings now.

I suffered because of my attachment to you. I suffered because of the pure belief tt u will be able to help me. I suffered because I realised tt wad i see in you wasn't you after all, but a hypocritical mask to cover up for wad is really in you. I see no feelings in your eyes, neither can i feel wad u are thinking. I really cannot decide who are you. Dis happens only when u irks me. Pls go away. I will make sure i come a clean break with u once after e A Levels. Den you can have fun on your own without pondering about dis small little sentimential idiot who thinks he can revive his past through the perseverence of his ideas and emotions. Forget this little bastard who went out of mind to actually start caring for you.

Pls. Pls. Pls. I beg you for once again. Nvr try to manipulate, or counsel me again when i need help. I alr lost Faith. I cannot afford to lose anymore of my good friends again. If you really think i am a loyal friend, think again. I am only a mentally unsound person who keeps bringing all sorts of problems to you. I am only a person who wants you to stay beside me and tide over my crisis without caring whether u have one or not. Dun bother about me anymore.

Wad is e use of saying all these when I know tt u will nvr come here? Forget it. Let me rest. I am tired of everything.

2006-10-13T17:25:00.000+08:00

建立起一道又一道墙壁
却又被你一次又一次的摧毁
一次又一次的加倍防守
却又被你一次又一次的击败

我躲入自己心中的冰山
我跑进那冰冷的山洞
我寻寻觅觅,躲躲藏藏,
却逃不过你那无情的轰炸

心中的冰山,风雪的吹过
却被你的炮火慢慢的溶化
炮火无情的摧残雪地
残余的地方所剩无几

你凯旋归还,我却独自悲伤
你霸占了我心中的一切,我却心甘情愿
我疯狂的在此地哭泣
又有谁愿意借个肩膀安慰?

2006-10-13T16:29:00.000+08:00

"We are afraid. We are always afraid. We are afraid to love, afraid of intimacy, afraid of opening up completely. We are afraid to be seen as overly dependent or vulnerable. We are afraid to show that we care, that we care too much about someone or something. We are afraid of each other. We must be polite, but detached. We must smile, but not give anything away. We are nice people. Nice and even friendly, but guarded. It seems that the only thing that drives us and yet pushes us away, is fear-fear that borders on paranoia and self-consciousness and insecurity."

I am telling those who think tt i have a boyfriend or assumed that i got a boyfriend or heard from me tt i got a boyfriend ... yes i do have one ... and i am so going to "break up" after the exams to further socialise. I have had enough. I really had. After the exams i am so going to stay away from him. I feel that my social circle is diminishing at the very moment. I am lonely when I have a lot of acquaintances; but i am even lonelier when i have dis so-called "boyfriend". Dis nickname was supposed to give to a good friend because we can talk ... but i dun tink it suits him anymore. I dun feel that kind of closeness with him anymore. The times tt e chatted and talk cork were long gone. Replaced by it were faces of hypocritical faces. I feel so shattered by the fact that we were drifting away. Trusting him fully, i thought that i had found a good friend to rely on. It sounded like a prized possesion. But think again. The fact that i have to wear a mask of smiles to meet him in classes makes me feel sick. i really feel very sick. I dun wish to meet someone that I have to exert and force myself to meet everyday. I am tired.

Perhaps it is because of my over-suspicion? I dunno. But the fact tt i have been experiencing different emotions from him make me lose my sense of security in him. I dunno why i sound very emotional, perhaps i really think i have put in a lot effort in building this friendship. But the feelings he sent me ... a sudden degree of hotness ... but with a tinge of coldness, make my heart feel cold. I was ignored in the presence of someone else, and was only talked to when there was no one else to talk to. Was it the same when we were not tt close together? Why this happens when we became good friends? Does familarity breeds hostility? I dun understand ... I dun wanna understand ... I said all these on the pretext that he will not come to read my blog ... but the point is even if he comes ... i dun care anymore. Although I admit that I know his wierd character from start, but this doesn't explain the phenomenon. I see many friends around me becoming so close, having so much fun with each other's company, but wad i have? more burden? no way ... this is not what i want ... what i want is the kind of happy friendship tt i get from the rest. I had enough. I just wish that this had never happened.

I dun wish to release these emotions until after the A's. I dun wan such a thing to spread around. But the kind of agony arise in me tt if i dun say it out, i dun feel great. I feel lousy. I dun wish to continue hiding my feelings anymore. I cannot stand it anymore. Everyday I meet a person tt i do not like with a smiling face is really hypocritical. I dun expect him to accompany me every moment every second but all i wish is now a heart. But now, i can feel his distance.

Argh ... i cant think anymore ... that's all i have ...

2006-10-08T00:54:00.000+08:00

i got quite emotional in the middle of the night ... so decided to visit my darling ... hahahaz ... blog! :)

Well, got quite a mixed feeling nowadays. I have finally reassured myself the presence of a good friend in the class, and getting him or her is like having a pearl in my hand after so much trials and tests. Such an opportunity is rare, a person willing to listen to me open up, willing to help me relieve my stress under the heavy expectations of my teachers. I have been "happified" by his or her appearance to lighten my spirits; therefore i treasure him or her. However, as we all know, humans and the world are all impermanent. We need to understand the "passing cloud fact" of friends. Friends are impermanent; they cannot accompany u for life. Therefore, friend, when i am together with u, i treasure u; but when we are on our own ways, let's leave happily, and remember that we were once good buddies. :)

I felt sad coz i have been drifting away from another close friend of mine. He or she is a veri close friend to me. i sometimes talk to him or her when i am stressed, and i often find comfort in his or her words. He or she had been part of my jc life; in fact, part of me ever since the time we know each other, except that i am unwilling to say. He or she has been drifting away from me. We talked less, and I cannot feel for him or her anymore. I cant stop myself from thinking: What if I lose him or her forever? What if I can never see him or her again in my life again?

tears dropped down. Tears of agony, pain and sufferings, tears of love and regret, tears of pity and anger, they flowed ceaselessly down to my laps, and the cold tinge woke me up from my supposed "deep" thinking: no it cannot be true ... i will never lose him or her ... he or she walked into my life, he or she cannot just leave me alone to rot like tt! Emotions of longing, affection welled up in my heart. I just wanna call him or her out again to enjoy the times we had together. But I just cant bring myself to do tt. I just cant! I have a heavy burden to carry. I cannot just give up like tt. But I also need ppl to support me. Some ppl might think, "Who cares? you got another nice friend beside you, so treasure what u have, or u may end up lose up everything." However, I am willing to risk my possessions, my friends, just for his or her sake, because he or she simply walked me out of my dark days. He or she just woke me up from my nightmare, and lead me the way to paradise, they way to which i attain my goals. I cannot bear to leave him or her, coz he or she is too important in my life to miss!

Haiz ... dat's all ... but wanna emphasise again that I have absolutely no wish to have a girlfriend at this period of time because firstly, I cannot cope with my studies, and a girlfriend requires time and responsibility, which i dun have at all. Secondly, I am A GAY ... hahahahahaz ... I got 5 gay partners ... isn't tt great? I loved to be take care of ...

2006-09-14T15:59:00.000+08:00

Okie ... I am so sorry ... juz getting veri emotionally raked up by the F Maths Paper 2 ... So damn piece of shit ... i am gonna fail for sure ... seeing the top falling from honour ... wad a disaster and a hit for me ... :( Haiz ... And I lost my bus card!!!! Ahhhh!!!!

Okie here my post goes ....

i am a person who is generally willing to make friends with everyone, so long as u r a human. Yes. a human. Not any cats nor dogs nor pigs or wadever alienated species that are on planet. Only pure humans. I juz wish to have a great time with friends,merrying around, and tt's all! I dun ask much for my friend: only juz company. Maybe tt may sound much to a lot of ppl, but yeah, true, tt's only wad i want.

It may seem true tt i might bug ppl sometimes, but dun ever think it in this way. I take everyone veri seriously, tt's arises to the habit of bugging. Well, not always though. I may be detached from a person at times, where i know it is time tt i should solve problems independently and work out solutions on my own. I understand tt ppl have their own problems tt they might not be able to solve, yar so i dun always bother them with my own problems.

However, come to think of it again, I feel myself a big failure. All i want is a close friend tt i like, who is willing to listen to me talk cork, and who can advice me when i need help. Just like wad Jie Yi told me before, "U may have a lot of accquaintances, but u have no close friends at all."

I wish to really abandon accquaintances. After 1 year of mingling in my class, i juz realised i had deposited my trust to someone i shouldn't do so. And i took 1 whole year to realise tt. 1 whole year. Now, left with no other choices, i have to fight for my own survival in the class alone! I got no one to fall back on! Absolutely no one! I can't juz break myself out of my ego, out of my comfort zone, to confront my new found friends, to mingle with them! Maybe it is also purely cause they are not willing to, i mean for some of them, but i understand. Everyone has their own comfort zone and it is absolutely not right to say tt they should step out of their comfort zone before i do.

But how? not being able to get e result i wanted, i couldn't find means to make myself feel. I couldn't feel for my friends, my classmates, my study partners, my close didi's and meimei's, and most of all, myself. I am not gonna do anything foolish: i am a guy and i face this strongly. But wad really makes me think hard is: wad went wrong?

Who is at fault here? The person who made the hands clap or the hands? I really dunno wad to say. It is a pure mistake to embark on the friendship i had in the past year, having two so-called close friends in disguise and ending up hurting myself. But no more am I gonna do that. Holding a knife that cuts and causes me to bleed is foolish act. I have already been hurt and cut. I dun wan anymore of these to happen.

Yet, my pure, childish, innocent heart kept forcing me to believe to good of man. I believe that someday, i will find the right partner, right buddy and right friend tt will accompany me throughout life. (only for partner! :)) Tt's y i tire myself out, ceaselessly searching for ppl who can accompany me to walk this rough journey, looking for ppl who are willing to open their hearts and accept me. But i found none. zero.

No one, with the inclusion of my classmates, are willing to open up. I have friends tt are really funny to the extent tt they may appear nice to you but stab u on the back. I have friends tt are really infuriating tt they make ur blood boil by the mere sight of their face. Everyone has their own world, and no one is willing to merge their world into mine. it just shows the selfish side of humans, but as well as the fear in humans.

The darkest fear in humans. The anxiety, the skeptical humans. The humans who are not willing to mingle because of betrayal of trust. Humans who are not willnig to share because of the survival of the fittest. Humans who are not willing to feel because they fear that they lose what they have when they open up. They feel insecure, just like a small bird not daring to look up at the sky. The sense of insecurity makes ppl feel fearful.

This, is the result of attachment. The result of which ppl are unwillnig to leave their own sweet home. Ppl who are reluctant to lose their grip on things that they enjoy. People are always paranoid, scared of losing wad they have, not daring to try and challenge. If there are no benefits, then wad's the use of trying? Wad if i lose everything in the process? The mere thought of losing out makes ppl shudder. It is the fear, the fear to lose, that causes humans to be so unsettled.

I am tired. I dun wish to think anymore. I cant force myself to think anymore ...

2006-09-14T14:32:00.000+08:00

You scored as Philosophy. You should be a Philosophy major! Like the Philosopher, you are contemplative and you enjoy thinking about the purpose for humanity's existence.

Anthropology

83%

Philosophy

83%

Sociology

83%

Engineering

75%

Journalism

75%

Theater

67%

English

67%

Mathematics

67%

Biology

58%

Linguistics

50%

Chemistry

50%

Psychology

42%

Art

33%

Dance

25%

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

2006-09-14T14:17:00.000+08:00

You scored as Buddhism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already.

In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth.

Buddhism

96%

Hinduism

75%

Satanism

67%

Islam

50%

Judaism

46%

agnosticism

46%

Paganism

46%

Christianity

33%

atheism

33%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

This link is from Colleen's blog! :)

2006-09-14T13:58:00.000+08:00

All I want is a friend.

A friend that is there when I need someone to complain to.

A friend that will be there when I need someone to comfort me.

A friend that will be ther when I am lost.

Juz a simple friend.

Maybe it is too difficult to find such a friend in the modern society?

Or is it considered the qualities of a girlfriend?

A girlfriend is not one who shares ur burdens only. She is a responsibility; a responsibility that u need to hold as long as u are with her.

U need to take care of her, give her ur attention when she needs u ... and i am not ready for that at all. I do not even have time to take care of myself; wad more others around me?

I muz learn to let go, but who is willing to help me when i am in this process?

I do not have any courage to face the friends that i have. Yes i may know a lot of people, but those who really care for me are few.

When I flopped my F Maths Paper, how many people actually cared to say things that will help me stand up again?

Only one. And he said it coz he was better than me.

A hypocritical move.

I dun wish to criticise ppl, but i juz dun wanna live my life having so many accquantances who would not stretch out their hands to pull me up. I dun wanna meet anymore bastards again.

2006-08-26T23:15:00.000+08:00

You Are 71% Grown Up, 29% Kid

Congratulations, you are definitely quite emotionally mature.
Although you have your moments of moodiness, you're usually stable and level headed.

How Emotionally Mature Are You?

2006-08-18T22:15:00.000+08:00

You Are 26% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?

人们

2006-08-17T15:32:00.000+08:00

A说：“你最好跟我静静！考得比我好并不代表你可以乱吵！”

B说：“我只不过想关心一下朋友罢了！”

A说：“请你滚到另外一边！”

B静下来了。顿时间他的世界在旋转。他脸上一阵冷热，根本不知该如何回答。这时。。。

C说：“你为什么坐我旁边？滚到另外一边！”

D说：“哎哟，别再说了，做功课吧。”

E静静的坐在一旁，享受这场好戏。

A说：“你要是敢再开口，我就对你不客气了！”

B说：“对，你说的对，我说的都是错的，谁叫我要坐这儿！这也许是你的头家哲学吧！”

A得意洋洋的盯着B，他脸上又是一阵冷热。A的样子还很像长舌妇噢。
F神气地像“孤衰子”装模作样，自命不凡，其实还不是口若悬河，对自己讨厌的人，连半个字都挤不出来。
F一看到B，就好像看到蟑螂似的，想要一脚把他踩死似的。G幸灾乐祸地看着B。

B很沮丧。但有人跟他说：“你应该感到高兴！你在帮他们解压！”

啊，B真好心啊！帮忙“人们”解压，还给他们反咬一口啊！真是好比鲁迅的“啊Q”啊！

冷暖人间事

2006-08-11T20:14:00.000+08:00

我自知语文能力达不到水平，但由于对这黑暗的社会感到悲哀，内心充满了控诉，又无地方可诉说，只好不自量力，在这小小的空间写出自己的心声了，若有差劲的地方，请多多见谅。

又是一个落叶纷飞的日子，又是一个乌云密布的天空，又是一个死气沉沉的广场，又是乌鸦在天空不断啼叫的早上。又是一群冷漠无情的脸孔，又是几百双呆滞的眼神，又是一双锐利的眼光监视着我们，这几乎是每天早上的情景，人人都习以为常。我低着头独自的长谈，我叹息的原因也无人明白。等了很久，“铃”的一声，大家终于叹了一口气：校长终于说完话了。

走到课室的道路上，小生突然走了过来，我不觉冒了一阵冷汗，又有什么事？他一堂皇狡猾的眼神瞄着我，然后轻声地问我一句话：“小盛，你能借我你的笔记吗？”我想也不想，把书包挖空了，费了九牛二虎之力，把笔记找了出来借给他。面无表情的他，也不过“哼”的一声，头也不回就走了。朋友嘛，互相容忍是应该的。脑子里如此的想，我也不理他就走了。

一个月，两个月，每天早上的过程都是一样的，只不过借了笔记之后，“哼”也就更大声，活也就少说了，到最后，只剩最后四个字：“借我笔记。”对于此时，我却浑然不觉。后来，小森神神秘秘地告诉我，“喂，他故意这样对你的，他瞧不起你呢！”对于此时，我置之不理，直到最后经不起小森天天的纠缠，还是去主动找他谈话。

“哈哈，笑话！你以为你是谁？我为什么要把你当朋友呢？你又不是很了不起，怎么配做我朋友呢？”他大笑起来。延伸凶神恶煞的他，令我浑身起疙瘩，他那张脸孔，的确叫人毕生难忘：丑恶肮脏。忍！我忍！

第二天，他又来了。“借我笔记。”我不答他，他怕了。当初凶残的脸，立刻换成一个屈己谦恭的脸，柔声地问我：“是不是有事了？”为了息事宁人，我把笔记给他，希望事情会有好转。愚昧的我，认为世界是温暖的。世界的确是温暖的：当别人需要你的时候。

一天,我和朋友小敏一起吃午餐,因为肚子不饿,只吃了一条香蕉.咦,怎么小敏对香蕉也有兴趣了?我们便开始谈了起来."香蕉,皮是黄色的,但肉却是白色的,丧失母语的能力,好比这条香蕉一样.”她说."也许是因为甜美的香蕉都从根儿烂起来.”我坦然回答她.

后来，他不再跟我借笔记了，而是开始对我冷嘲热讽，起初对我而言，我并没有什么感觉。但由于攻势太猛烈，终于有一天我受不了了。我决定与他...割席!

后悔莫及的他,似乎感觉到危机四伏,急于响我解释.他那巴结奉承的脸孔,寡廉无耻,尽情的向我解释,但却表现不出任何的歉意.那曾是如此锐利的眼光,现在却是那么的卑微,谦虚.当然是谦虚:瞒天过海,也需要一双骗得过人的眼睛.小森更是得意洋洋,但那也理所当然:坐收渔翁之利,谁不会高兴呢?

刘基在<卖柑者言>中曾说过:"金玉其外,败絮其中",就是这样的原理吗?太阳是温暖的,为什么有血有肉的人却是冷冰冰的?

故事结构里的名字如有雷同,纯粹巧合.

2006-08-09T00:23:00.000+08:00

Hey ... today kinda veri happy ... sth worth mentioning ... i owned another didi! :) Lolz ... okie ... coz dis guy from Malaysia ... looks like a nvr grown up kid ... yar ... den i think he veri nice to talk to ... then started to chat with him ... lolz ... den we chatted ... and den soon i shall call him didi!!! :) hahahaahz ... now i got 2 didis ... lolz ... okie ... being lame here ... but thought tt he is quite nice and got comfortable in knowing him ...but i treat all my didis well k ... coz dey r always dere when i need someone to bully ... muhahahahahaz ... aren't i evil? :)

oh afternoon when orchard with my friend. first time going out with her ... tired but happy? lolz ... hmmm wasted we didn't manage to go esplanade in e end ... but nvr mind ... wad i need is sleep actually so it doesn't matter ... hahahahaz ... i hope she had a great time too! :) coz me is feeling great after relaxing for one whole day ... too great to start studying ... haiz ... gonna fail veri soon ... i will see the face of my most respected madam goh coming after my life ... hahaz ... muz work harder so tt i wont disappoint her ... she spent a lot of effort and blood on me coz i tink i am quite dumb ... only patient teachers like her or mr pang is willing to bring the extra mile to prove to me tt hey, if everyone can do it, so can i! :) Well i m not going to disappoint her again, and i shall bring my A to give her my best tchr's day present ... i will bring glory to myself, and honour to her, and most importantly, e limitless time and effort she has ceaselessly put in me to groom my lep into a flower. :)

脆弱的玻璃心

2006-08-06T00:55:00.000+08:00

Okie b4 i start my post ... muz clarify sth ... Cliffy ... i symphatise with u ... i wanna help u ... but i feel tt the way u do things ... a bit too rash ... r u sure u wanna do it so fast? I can arrange it for u if u wan ... but u muz tink over ... dun becoz of juz a moment of folly and regret it for ur life ... I have experience b4 tt's y i m advising u now ... k? be calm, n wait for e time to ripen. Muz shou de ming yue kai ... hahahaahz ... jia you! sorrie if i sound a bit harsh ... coz i wish to help u ... :)

Now my post comes ... new essay ...

"给你的爱一直很安静..."悠美的旋律一直在耳旁奏起,我似乎陶醉在这甜美的歌声中.人生的意义,上天的赏赐,心中的控诉完全消失,我只希望瞬时间能永远拥有这宁静的时光.把世间万物抛到九霄云外,把身上的重担全部放下.也许就有如陶渊明如此悠闲自在的生活吧.

无奈,又是那雨水的敲打声,把我从梦中叫醒,梦幻中的一切化为乌有.难道佛祖说的都是真的吗?人类快乐的根源都是痛苦的吗?人类快乐的结果都会是一场梦吗?

我不知道,我也不明白,我只知道,自己的心中依然处于痛苦迂回的过程,但开始引起了疗救的注意.每天对我而言,是快乐的一天,也是落泪的一天.

窗外下着倾盆大雨,望着灰色的云飘过空中,我的心也跟着雨滴滴答答的落下泪来.心中的凄凉苦痛,又有谁能理解呢?可能是那朵枯萎的花所能表达的吧.

面对着矛盾的生活,我又如何去应付呢?早晨的阳光使人心旷神怡,踏入校门的第一步,心中的快乐似乎传遍全身,身体上的每个细胞都流动着幸福.啊,真是美好的一天啊!看着她的眼神,刚强中却带着无尽的温柔,手心里带着世间的温暖,我仿佛飘上了天空.周围的朋友,心中的兄弟,又岂能用三言两语形容呢?我的心沉浸在着容易破碎的快乐中...

铃的声响,将我从天空中狠狠的摔下来,快乐的心就因为这丧钟敲碎了,打破了.我收拾起破碎的心情,来到了令人痛心的刑场.上天有意驱走乌云,让白云来为我吊丧;周围冷漠的脸孔,将寒风吹过我的脸,就连国歌也是那么的悲伤,哀痛.仇恨离我几寸那么远,愤怒离我几公分那么近,心中的忧郁,一瞬间涌入心里.面对着时间的蹉跎,人类却是那么的脆弱,无助!早知会落到如此下场,为何又将自己送入虎口呢?飘过的国旗劝我节哀顺变,老师尖锐的眼光使我透不过气.悲伤,又为了什么纠缠不清?

"时间带来残忍结局..."一刀切过我的心,对这不公平的世界,我又该如何控诉,如何宣泄?时间慢慢的流失,人也慢慢的消瘦,宇宙中的一切似乎都为我的遭遇黯然泪下,花儿凋谢,孤雁悲鸣,又岂能诉说我的苦痛?面对人生的挫折,我又该如何爬起来呢?又有谁愿意来扶我呢?

人世间的喜怒哀乐,心中的悲哀,又岂是一个'愁'字可以尽述呢?平静的心,又能保持平静多久呢?人生的困境,到底几时才会离我而去呢?还是把美好的回忆装好,带着有限的甜蜜离开这伤心地吧.

秋天的控诉

2006-08-01T16:37:00.000+08:00

无奈。心中的无奈，人生的悲痛，我无法握紧手上的一切，全都撒在地上。内心的痛楚，心中的愤怒，情绪的起伏，象龙卷风无情地袭击我。真想放下一切，却不知不觉把全部都挑起来了。真累。

多么希望有那么多一点的力气能撑下去，却一次又一次的被困难推回去了。无法面对事实的我，根本就不知如何从新开始。对于事物的变化，人们的改变，心灵的创伤，我不知要如何站起来。

我不敢让自己沉浸在快乐的心灵中，我怕自己无法自拔；但我更无法把自己从痛苦的忧伤中拉出来，我已没力气了。心力交瘁的我，感觉到自己一天比一天脆弱，一天比一天忧伤，一天比一天沉重，力量仿佛流水似的从我心中一个无法弥补的洞口流出来，一滴一滴的，一天一天的，慢慢的减少了。。。

我多么想一拳打入他的小腹,解除我心头之恨,但我始终没那么做,我也不知为什么.人面兽心,有怎可以当作人对待呢?可笑的是,我竟然把他当做知己!问号从脑中不断浮现:他值得吗?我没回答这个问题,却从轻风吹过的声音得到了答案.轻风吹过,将我的过去也带走了,声中似乎带着一点惋惜,但那口气却没有任何懊悔的想法;有一丝的悲痛,却附带着无限的愤怒;轻快的乐玄似乎让我放下仇恨,但树叶的摇动却让我从新挑起这个咽不下去的恨.雨点似乎兴起无限悲痛,却将黄色的落叶一片一片的打下来.恨,几时才能离开我呢?也许就在他消失的时侯吧.

秋天为何带来那么多的愤怒,悲伤?

2006-07-21T23:24:00.000+08:00

Lolz ... had a great change of impression of one friend tt i knoe ... sounds ridiculous ... hahaahahahaz ... but in one hour's of time he changed my impression towards him ...Although I knew he had such a character, but nvrtheless i was surprised at the way he sounded in his blog ... he did not give me a veri gd impression when he met me personally at first ... sorrie to say so ... but the things tt he say on his blog ... the religion tt he believed in ... the way he said abt some things ... makes me feel pleasantly surprsied and to a certain extent .... shocked. Hahahaahaz ... maybe tt's a fault of me ... beleiving tt everyone is always perfect ... lolz ... but at least it confirms tt my theory is right ... it confirms tt wad i predicted abt him wasn't wrong ... thou i dun take him as a gd friend ... but had some inner predictions abt him and his character ... lolz ... treated him according to how i beleive i should treat him ...

Oh ... but e more infuriating thing comes ... he is thinking of trying to communicate and talk to me now! (i m mentioning another guy here! :)) he's mad. He really knoe nuts abt something called shame. First, he wanted to get rid of me. Fine, i walk off ... i dun need him to take a broom to chase after me ... now he wanna talk to me ... pls go and look at a mirror ... do u fit the character of talking to me? do u ever treat me as a friend first? i only talk to those who treat me as a friend ... if u dun ... tink twice b4 u approach me ... u can ignore me forever as i said, coz wadever u do does not matter to me at all, but dun interrupt me and my life ... u can take as if i m a come and go friends ... coz i dun only have u as a friend, but dun ever come close to me n act as if we r gd friends. WE ARE STRANGERS. We do not even have a tinge of friendliness within us. There is nothing to talk abt. Get lost. Dun be a bastard and keep bugging me.

Enough of scolding him ... me is tired ... cared more abt e new found friend ... i treasure every single bit of friendship (provided i feel it is worth treasuring ... )maybe tt's my way of doing things ... hope i get an A for Physics and LEP ... byez ...

Haiz

2006-07-11T20:28:00.000+08:00

Haiz ... got back my results ... F Maths and Maths and LEP ... not too bad lahx ... thou i dun understand y ... When I did my exams, i thought i was gonna flung ... like thousands of things i dunno, and how many things i dunno how to do ... den in the end, turned out i did better den expected ... like ... haiz ... dunno how to explain ... everytime i meet a qn i dunno how to do ... but in e end in the exams i can work out ... seems hypocritical when i said i dunno how to do at first ... but i really dunno how to do ... hmmm .... hahaz ... but at least by sheer luck, i managed to get e results i wanted ... lolz ... muz work harder so tt i can really get wad i wan ...

2006-07-08T20:28:00.000+08:00

Hmmm ...had a better but still sucky wk ... at least i feel better now ...

Hah ... at least i apologised to him le ... now no more fights ... phew ... *lots of sweats dripping down* ... lolz ... I had enough of fights ... next time must be more careful ... otherwise if i do de same thing agian, we might break out into a worst fight ... lolz ...

Jie Yi kept saying tt she was tinking abt both of us big time during the Maths Paper 2 ...dunno wad she thinking abt? hahahahaz ... she is strange ... we fighting ... i not even at all anxious ... and she's trying to ask me to apologise ... go look for him? madness ... hahahahaz ... i dun have so many free time ... as wad i have said earlier, if i have to say, when time ripens, i will still have to say it. What for think so much and in the end gain nothing out of it? Lolz ... strange ger ... but i muz agree tt she really cares for her juniors ... hahahahahaz ... if i had a little bit of her caringness, den i won't be wad i m now ...

Hmmm ... tink CTL is quite a nice person after all? At least to talk to ba ... he seems to be able to communicate with ppl well ... no matter how much i hate him ... dere's something tt i admire abt him n dere's a lot i can learn from him ... take it tt i am under attachment ba ... hahahahahhaz ... learning from a person how to treat my friends in a respectable manner ...

Oh ... yvonne dun be jealous hor ... but i tink yi cheng is a nice guy ... at least e way he treat his friends ... now i m doing understudy also ... study how he treat his friends ... hahahahahaz ... i juz wanna learn!!! :)

Okie ... tink tt's all ... F Math's paper 2 i am screwed ... tink i lost a lot of marks due to carelessness ... hope everything goes well ...

2006-07-02T22:03:00.000+08:00

Oh ... how am i going to write out my feelings? Sounds ironical, but dis is how i felt.

I am feeling very stressed because I am relaxed, but I am relaxing because I felt stressed. So which is the root of the problem? =p

Hahahaz ... I cant do F Maths qns! I knoe a lot of ppl will come after my life for saying such a sentence, but dis is true. I dun understand the bloody Mechanics coz I was nvr gd in Physics! Arrrrrrgh!!!! Hahahahahaz ... nvr mind ... shall work harder to prove to those who look down on me ... and work harder to encourage those who have supported me all the while tt I have nvr given up hope! :)

Oh, at dis point I muz sincerely thank these few tchrs:(not in order of merit? lolz ...)
1. Miss Darrell Foo (my ct)
2. Mr Leong Chong Ming (FMA tchr)
3. Mrs Tan Fook Khim (FMB tchr)
4. Mr Pang Kah Hock (HCLA tchr) Extra thanks! =p
5. Madam Goh Hui Chia (HCLA tchr) Extra Extra Extra thanks!!! =p
6. Madam Loke Yoke Fan (HCLA tchr)
These few teachers really showed me support when I declared to them that I wanna take 4 A's. Despite their nagging doubts tt I will do well eventually, dey still accepted my decision and the most important thing is, they r willing to go de extra mile to make sure i do well. For example, Madam Goh was willing to spend 1 hr to 2 to mark extra essays that I hand up to her and is willing to let me ask her qns even if it is ard 6 or 7 in the evening, when she had to go home. Mr Pang every week forced me to memorise 2 gu wen and extra essay, which he marked and go through with me until 7 or 8 at night. Their passion in teaching and belief in me made me felt very touched. It is not as though they owe me these hours, but they are willing to fork out these extra time juz to make sure I work! I can nvr thank them enough. Due to limited space in dis blog, i have only list these few examples. In actual fact, the examples are countless. :)

Hahahaz ... yesterday went back to Cat High ... saw my long lost senior yip ... seemed to grow taller? and less hair? =p Yes ... but still as nice as ever. Gd old yip. Oh, and to mention, I saw my lep junior too!=p Tink shld call him friend ba ... coz i tink it is better in dis way ... den i wont feel proud and haughty ... =p anyway, he was tellig me lots of things abt lep camp and i was laughing all de way! :) Hahahahahaz ... tink we had a fun time together chatting abt our past CCA ... our honourable days are long gone ... hahahahahahahahaz ... had a fun time walking ard e sch too! :)

Haiz ... but juz kinda lost a friend last few wks. Felt very very very very sad. Though I wanna retain friendships as much as I could, but I juz couldn't find him .. He is avoiding me ...argh ... felt sad ... but well, life has to go on ... I am sure when he has thought through, he will be willing to accept my apology, simply becoz i am really veri sincere abt saying sorry. :)

This World Cup sux coz Brazil didn't went in to the semis!!! Hah ... dun tink Germany will win ... coz Germany sux! Though I have to admit tt they played quite well, but so? My darling Brazil didn't get it! Blame it on luck tt this time it is played in Germany ... I hope some ulu countries such as Italy will win ... It will make me feel better ... =p

Okie ... tt's all ... see ya soon! :)

2006-06-27T13:35:00.000+08:00

"I dun treat u well coz u keep bugging me ..."

Den pls dun.

I dun wanna bug u, AND DUN EVER TREAT ME WELL.

Dun bother reading dis blog. Its no use.

Dun bother talking or even starting a conversation with me. I will say nth constructive TO U ONLY.

Dun ever come near me. U juz piss me off.

I am nvr so angry in my life.

Dun ever ask y i ignore u. U deserve it.

And pls dun bother noticing y i ignore u. Dere is nothing to be noticed abt.

Since we r juz classmates who dun even bother to say hi and bye, den dun say it.

E hi and bye u said juz now made me feel like puking.

It made me feel very hypocritical.

I am not a hypocrite; so wadever i say is true from my heart. And let me tell u sth: i dun wish say anything to u at all.

Leave me alone. and dun BUG ME AGAIN.

2006-06-05T23:11:00.000+08:00

Oh man ... I feel sooooooooooooooooooooo happy dis few days ... may becoz i didn't see him? hahahahahaz ... Feel great among all my frenz now ... hope dey will be nice to me ... Get to knoe a junior? lolz ... dunno lahx ... becoz i todae ultra happy dats y ... Friday was e sweetest day ... dunno y aso ... hahahahaz ... maybe coz i dun see him near me anymore ... dats the way man ... get away from me and i will be so much happier without seeing ur bloody face.

Oh man JS ... now u start to give up on ppl ... remember ur vows! Remember to live with happiness and compassion, and possess the enlightenment thought for all beings! Argh!!!! ... bounded by my vows, i understand tt i have no rights to give up on him in the first place, but e least i could do is juz to ignore him ... i will give up hating ... i nvr hated anyone in the first place. Curb ur anger and temper! Destroy it; dun even bother to control it. Destroy anger and plant seeds of merit.

2006-05-26T21:16:00.000+08:00

Hmmm ... recently a lot a lot a lot a lot of things happened ... me is not angry, neither am I pissed nor touched. Juz`kinda calm and feeling strange ... as well as skeptical.

Yar, skeptical. Especially when the person who has hurt u sooooooooo much and suddenly became very nice to u. U will naturally feel suspiscious. Veri veri suspiscious. Although I understand tt I shldn't doubt his sincerity, but I juz dun feel safe. Anyway, I have a policy which applies to everyone: U treat me well, I treat u well. So dun bother to talk to me if u dun wish to. I wont wish to talk to u aso.

If u knoe who I meant, tt person has angered me for like a week and it seems that he doesn't bother abt it. Well, I dun care a single shit. U can ignore me for all i care. After so much, have I not learnt my lesson tt u can nvr be trusted? Have I not learnt the lesson tt u will nvr be grateful? Have i not learnt the lesson that u will keep taking advantage of me? I have enough of this. I am serious. I have nvr been so disappointed before. I can nvr imagine tt despite all my pain i am suffering, u r e one who is laughing at my plight! Get away, dun come near me. U dun deserve a single second of my attention.

Cliffven, sometimes socialising is not as simple as 1 + 1 = 2. Hahahahaz ... a lot of factors are involved: when to say the right thing and when not to say some things. Sometimes being frank is good, but over frankness become insensitive. One muz be frank, but muz at the same time be sensitive. I still cant reach tt standard, so I cant give u much advice? Hahahahaz ... jia you ... u can do it! :)

Why do I start go around hating ppl nowadays? Dunno why, my temper has been on the rise nowadays. Hope its not because those two ppl. I dun wanna hate everyone. I wanna respect and make everyone happy. But the point is tt I am too stressed to give the ppl ard me happiness. Faith, I knoe u hate me, but i have to tell u this: e jia sheng u knoe now is no more the old jia sheng who can chat and be childish all the while. He is now much more skeptical abt life and ppl and more imptly, he doesn't which to share his private life with everyone. Let me say this first: pls dun irritate me with the question anymore, or i will end up hating u, finding u an irritating pest. k? dun upset me can, coz i have been extremely upset alr. :)
Its the end, byez!!! :)

2006-05-23T11:57:00.000+08:00

"Taking into account that we are yrs of gd friends ..."

Are we?

When do I knoe u?

When I was in JC 1.

In secondary school, did u ever take me as a friend?

More like an enemy.

When u wanna borrow money, u sweet talk.

When I have no more use, u juz take me as a stranger.

U are another shameless one.

Did we talk when we were in secondary sch?

No.

Did we ever make friends when we were in JC 1?

More like accquaintance.

Did u ever try to help me when i needed help?

Running off like a rat

Where were u when I needed help?

Laughing with JY?

Swanning me?

Trying to make me look worse?

U can do whatever i care, but dun u ever sweet talk me.

Go straight to the point if u need help.

I wont laugh at u like the way u laugh at me.

But dun ever claim that we are good friends when obviously we are not.

Do u take me as a friend in the first place?

I dun tink so.

2006-05-23T11:47:00.000+08:00

"Why so dao these few days?"

Oh u realised it.

u noticed that I stopped talking to u these few days.

I thought u wont notice it forever.

Why dun u ask urself?

How did u treat me when I was trying to be nice to u?

A speck of dirt? or a piece of shit?

U took my friendship for granted.

Nevertheless, I still treat u as my very gd friend, knoeing that u understand me.

And u crossed my line.

Now u still dare to ask me why am i so dao.

Why dun u tell me why?

Everytime i tried to make friends with u, what is the final conclusion?

Taking me for granted over and over again, u think that I will nvr be mad.

U think that I am to defenceless to protect myself.

U think that I will not be hurt by ur come-and-go friends attitude.

When u need me u approach me for help.

When I need help where r u?

Enjoying yourself by laughing at my pathetic plight?

And now u even dare to ask why I dao u?

And u still dare to claim that we are friends.

How shameless can u get.

Go home, look into the mirror, and tell urself that u are a human.

U are not my master, neither am I ur slave.

I am not obliged to talk to u.

If u dun show me ur willingness to make friends with me, so will I.

Continue on with ur come-and-go friends attitude, and dun ever ask me that question again.

Get out of my life, u are not welcome.

2006-05-20T22:43:00.000+08:00

Its not that I dun treasure my friends at all, all those who think that I dun care abt my friends. I get veri irritated when they say so. Let me tell u straight in your face: no matter who the hell that guy or girl is, as long as he or she treats me as a friend, i will take them as a friend. I treasure all my friends because I knoe that no matter how long they are with me, they are not my come-and-go friends. NOTE: THEY ARE NOT MY COME AND GO FRIENDS. They are the friends that will live in my heart forever. Once a friend, forever a friend.

Thinking that I am emotional? No, I am not. I am truthful to you who is reading, and being truthful to myself. I cant hide myself under all the curse and swears anymore. Although I curse and swear, it just show that I still take u as a friend and wanna u to change. If not, what for i type it on the blog for? for me to see and laugh at my stupidity to try ceaselessly to change the whole class? I am willing to help the class, as long as the class is willing to help me?

Having doubts abt me? Den dun bother reading further. I have enough of ppl saying that I am slack and do nothing and throw every damn thing to Zhi Hui. Let me tell u sth: if u really think that a CT rep is really easy to do, den go ahead and take my position. If u are a coward and dun ever dare to take this job and challenge, then shut ur bloody big gap. Your tactless words are making me feeling uneasy, uncomfortable and irritated. Go away. If u really think this way, then dun talk to me. Since u dun take me as a friend, den i shant bother abt u. Though so far i haven find out who is thinking in this way, but this is how I think.

I thank Cliffven for giving me the support tt i need. Tt's y i say, those who are sensitive really supports me. When i need help, he would be there to help. Tt's e friend I want. A friend who i can joke and turn to when I need help. What's the use of understanding me when u r juz leaving me dere to die? I rather u get out of my life and dun bother abt me. If u haven noticed, i have been colder towards u nowadays.U knoe who r u, and I dun need to emphasise anymore. The mere sight of ur name make me puke. My greatest regret is to allow u to understnad me during PW and after the quarrel. (2 spearate ppl). And note: I dun mean CTL. CTL dun understand me in the first place, so dun bother.

Maybe another friend I wanna thank is Li Huan. After sharing her GREATEST secret with me, I feel that she really trust me a lot. It gives me a lot of confidence to go on. I really feel her spurring me on. It is much better than some who keep saying that they would be there to support me when i fall and when i really fall, they run away like timid mice? Well, shant insult the mice, at least they are willing to help their friends.

Dun ever say tt I nvr ever liked my class. I will make sure i nvr talk to the person again, be it the tchr or a student. Dun ever insult me by saying so. i will make sure that i will nvr talk to u for the rest of my whole life.

2006-05-19T23:22:00.000+08:00

I feel veri guilty.

Where am I when she needs help?

What are all the empty promises that I made to her?

I told her i would support her when she needed me.

I told her that i would be at her side when she needed me.

I promised her tt we would be best of 'sister'.

And now I forgotten her.

I feel sad.

I blamed myself veri veri veri badly.

Now she is hurt, and I am not there.

I neglected her because of my class ppl.

I shall stop talking to those so called 'gd friends' from now onwards.

Where were you guys when I needed help?

Only she was by my side when I felt like collapsing.

And where was I when she needed help?

Near you guys.

Near all of u attention seekers.

Near all of you who sucked away my time to heal her wounds.

Near all of you who tried to come into my life.

My good friends turned out to be those who irritate me.

Those who are sensitive turned out to be those who really cared for me.

I want to give her my time again.

I want her to be back to her cheerful self.

I dun wan her to get hurt again.

Trust me, I will do that.

痛

2006-05-17T21:42:00.000+08:00

痛？我当然感觉到痛，而且是非常的痛。每天我出门抱着一个新的希望，回来失却流着失望的眼泪。

我刚从过去的阴影逃脱，你却设下了一个新的陷阱，而愚昧的我又盲目的掉了进去。我好痛，真的跌得好痛。

我带着一颗完美地心出门，却被你一次又一次的捅，一滴滴的血为你而流，你却茫然不知。

表面上的我是很开心的，但我的心一直在淌着血，又有谁能体会呢？

一个愿打，一个愿挨，那又有什么办法呢？

05S9C

2006-05-05T18:56:00.000+08:00

I hate 05S9C.

I am not going to be a part of 05S9C.

Those who read this blog may find it offended as well, but I am not going to care anymore. I juz hope the whole class hates me and takes me as a stranger ... and I shall make sure tt no one takes me as a friend.

Yi Cheng is my gd friend, but i still cant feel safe enough to trust him. Same for Eric Ng. Both of them can understand me, but they do not understand what i am thinking. How can i trust them? Yi Cheng talks to me only when dere is no one ard, and same for Eric. When many ppl ard, dey will juz ignore me. Since dey understand tt i m emotional and sentimental, dun dey understand tt i need more attention? Well, i can only say tt dey really dun knoe me well enough and i really dun trust dem a single tiny little bit.

CTL is even worse. He is trying to act sociable when he is bloody hell not! He is juz a small freak who doesn't knoe how tall is the sky. He is trying to show off how many friends he has in the class, trying to boast about himself, when he is not like himself! The CTL dat i knoe is not like tt. He is a nice guy who is willing to listen to others and help when in times of need. And what is he presenting to me now? A bastard trying to show off his socialbility when he is not! What he is trying to signal to me is tt he is incapable of handling stress. Well i hope i do sound objective, but tis is how i feel.

Winson is no more better. he is another guy who juz proves himself to be incapable to handle relationship. Now, he dun even bothers to talk to me n take me as thou i am an alien? Well, I hope he remains de same and dun ever speak to me again. Find him too childish to talk to ... i dun wish to talk to him either. Go ahead and continue bieng childish, and stop interfering with my life.

Cliffven is a guy who says others a being sensitive, but sth he is also being insesitive himself. For example the PJY case, he juz swans her as thou she is not fit to be a human! Wad the hell? As wad 孔子said，“己所不欲，勿施于人”. Well, i hope he really corrects his way of speaking, before i really get irritated.

Jia Yuan is also the same. He is so tactless! Wadever he says dun filter through his brains: dey juz go through his mouth! He dun care whether the guy is hurt or not; he juz wanna make fun of the guy! Wad the heck? He is not showing any respect to anyone!Can he really think before he speak? I doubt so.

Well, my only regret is really to be the CT rep of this class. i wanna quit, but miss darrell hopes i continue. Why cant she juz get lionel or someone who she likes to be a ct rep? Why muz it be me, a person who dun like the class at all? Ppl like Tony, Calvin are juz merely acquaintances and ppl like Kenny are juz ppl tt backstep.

I really dunno y am I complaining, but tt's how i feel abt the class. Oh the list is not exhaustive, dere are de gers which i have not complained abt, but i will save it for another day. I had enough n i wanna sleep badly. Sorrie for any kinda insults hurled, i am veri fed up now.

God?

2006-04-29T23:37:00.000+08:00

I dread to write here ... but seems like i am forced to? lolz ...

Well, actually i dun intend to discuss religion here, but as a person who has total 120% faith in what i believe in, I decided to touch a bit about religion. What i may say might offend u directly or indirectly, so i apologise for that.

Actually, I kind of admire Ying Hui for her unmoving faith towards god, and I actually kinda happy by that faith. Because of the faith, many of them are able to control themselves morally, are able exercise control over themselves. As what the buddha has said, moral values and ethnics are a basis for the goal of enlgihtenment. Without moral values, a human is no longer a human, but a cold blooded being.

However, what I dont really agree is about the over strong faith towards a so-called god. I dun mean to attack any religion, but this is just a general description of all religions, with the exception of buddhism.

I dun really agree with the worshipping and praying of gods. As a buddhist myself, although there are certain times i do pray to my teachers, but i pray to them to ask for more teachings and to confess all my wrongdoings. Maybe what the other religions will also say the same thing, but as i emphasize here, the ONLY difference is that i am praying to a live, existent person who can teach me on how to liberate myself while what the other religions are praying to someone that they claim to be existent.

Firstly, I would like to investigate the existence of god. No one saw him, neither anyone hear him talk. They are all being potrayed by human, saying that Jesus Christ or Prophet Muhammad is a god. Well, buddhism doesn't deny that, but they don't agree to that either. Because simply Jesus Christ has ever lived in the world and same for Prophet Muhammad. So there is no reason why we should deny them as saints who save the world and sacrificed themselves for the sake of sentient beings.

But that DOES NOT mean that they are truly existent after all, since no one saw him or heard him. All they do is to depend on their feelings to 'feel' for his presence, which is not veri accurate. If we have a burning desire to see god, our feelings will certainly trick us that we have felt the presence of god. But it is all up in your mind. YOUR MIND.

Sounds ridiculous? Try this experiment: Imagine someone that u hate to the core (and I mean it!:))and try to think that he is the almighty of the universe. After a while u will find urself respecting him and giving him reverence, praying to him whenever u see him. Try it!

Well, my main point here is not to argue about the existence of god. My main point here is that SO WHAT IF GOD EXISTS? AND SO WHAT IF GOD DOES NOT EXIST? If god exist, hat can u do about it? If god doesn't exist, that what are you going to do about it? Sth like Shantideva's Bodhicaryavatara:

If there is a remedy,
What is the use of frustration?
If there is no remedy,
what is the use of frustration?

Maybe this idea should be converted into this way:

If there is a god,
what can you do about it?
If there is no god,
what can you do about it?

God suggested his theory of love and compassion is to ensure equanimity; he sugggested this in his form so that people can adhere to this set of moral conduct very strictly, which will result in world peace and happiness. However, if we care too much about who god is and idolise and worship god, I dont think is a very good idea. Although as i said earlier, it is admirable to have such a strong faith for god, it is useless to hold on to an illusion or something that doesn't exists in the first place.

Buddhism doesn't dissolve the idea that there is no god in the world, but it teaches the idea not to bother if there is one in the first place.

Friends

2006-03-23T23:21:00.000+08:00

Actually, a few simple words from my friend caused me to think a lot about what happened to me ...

That time, while I was studying with a friend, she said to me: 'Friends are all about accepting. If you don't accept him/ her, then you don't intend to treat him/ her as a friend.'

I thought for a long while, immersed in my deep thinking. (though young and immature)

But I thought more.

Making friends are not just about acceptance.

Yes, acceptance is important. They are the main source of reasons for making friends. bBy making friends, you are willing to step out of your comfort zone, to reach to the person's heart, open his/ her doors, and say 'I accept whoever you are, even though you may have 1000001 disgusting flaws in you. No matter what happens, I will stand by your side to support you.' These are what we call real friends. When you have real friends, you will have people who are ready to open their arms wide and welcome your stay with them.

On the other hand, there are other reasons for making friends ...

One ... a generous heart. A person with a small heart don't make many friends. A friend muz be willing to open his/ her heart and say, 'no matter what you did to hurt, harm or even destroy me ... I will still open my arms to welcome your stay with me ... Simply because I am willing to accept you.'Muz be willing to forgive and forget , as the old saying goes ...

Two ... feelings. There muz be feelings between the two friends, be it guy or girl. (Sounds wrong?) Hahahahaz ... i mean friendly feelings ... chemistry ... A kind of bonding between the 2 friends.

Let me tell you something: I like me friends a lot ... because I simply like them!:)

There is not a need to apply an effort to like someone, or to get close to someone ... when the feeling is there, it will be there .. juz like romance ... (but this doesn't mean i am in love again ... hahahaz)

Juz leave feelings to guide our way, because they will be the best moon in the midst of the darkness.

Hmmm ... I am better now

2006-03-14T10:11:00.000+08:00

Hmmm ... muz say sth before the whole world comes and hum tum me now ... :)

Well i am a lot better compared to the last time i wrote this article. Many ppl are rite. I am juz a coward, who dont wish to face so small a problem, trying to use death to escape. What's more, I am not capable to die! Well, I have gotten over everything, and decided tt wad's more impt for me now is ... studies!!!! Big heavy textbks!!! :)

I muz thks those who worrie for me, n apoplogise for being so rash. Thks u guys for worrying for me, and i m okie now, because of your heartfelt wishes and care and concern. You guys rox!!!!! :)

Sadded

2006-03-05T00:47:00.000+08:00

I feel hurt.

I really do.

I am veri veri veri veri veri veri veri veri veri veri depressed.

But dere is nothing i can do abt it.

I can only cry to myself and keep my hearts out of touch, juz in case someone hurts me in the same way again.

I hate him, but i cant help pitying him.

I pity her, but I cant help hating her.

I feel betrayed.

I am played out.

I juz cant accept facts.

I am juz too emotional.

I have been used.

I am dumb to be used.

I juz hope I haven have talked to or trust anyone.

I juz got the phobia of trusting anyone again.

Pls dun let me meet another gd friend.

I will kill myself.

2006-02-16T23:30:00.000+08:00

You knoe wad?

I juz wished that I was sick ...

Then I wouldn't have to face sooooooooooo much stress ... :(

All of a sudden, I juz feel ... veri depressed.

I juz dunno wad to do with myself.

Not because of studies, but because of relationship.

After so much effort, she is still unwilling to forgive me.

The way he looked into my eyes, I dunno wad he is thinking.

The way I handle my emotions, I juz feel as though I am an animal.

Oh ... how I wished my dearest friends would be dere to support me when help is needed ...

Where r u? Can u find me? Look for me. I am really at a loss ...

Some good quotes to remember

2006-01-23T00:44:00.000+08:00

Through the readings of Bodhicaryavatara by Shantideva, I found some interesting quotes that you might be interested:

If there is a remedy,
then what is the use of frustration?
If there is no remedy,
then what is the use of frustration?

Children can't help crying when
their sand castles come crumbling down.
Our minds are like them
when praise and reputation starts to fail.

No evil is there similar to anger
no austerity to be compared with patience
Steep yourself, therefore, in patience --
in all ways, urgently, with zeal.

These good quotes seems to keep reminding me not to cultivate anger (though due to my lack of mindfulness and merit, i still do so), and I hope it might be useful for you. Look into the works of Shantideva on the Buddhist Path and you can find more insightful radings in it. :)

一首短篇的诗

2006-01-14T00:36:00.000+08:00

这首诗是在我失落时所写的，文笔有点退步，希望大家不介意! :)

喝酒虽能把我灌醉
但一万壶酒也不能灌醉愁闷
赏月虽能增添思念
但一千个昼夜也换不回从前的你

我不在乎天长地久
却只在乎曾经拥有
我至少拥有过一篇甜美的回忆
心中也收藏着一段唯美的国度

但如果要我重头再来
我的选择还会是一样
因为至少我的回忆是美的
至少我曾经感受你的温度

《丝路》赏析（一）

2006-01-11T23:07:00.000+08:00

如果流浪是你的天赋，
那么你一定是我最美的追逐。
如果爱情是你的游牧，
拥有过是不是该满足。

第一段来势汹汹，通过短短的几个文字，表达出了非常深刻的意义。前两句表达出了作者的定义与决定。虽然他的个性是属于流浪的，但无论多么的辛苦、痛楚，作者却把跟随他，和他在一起当作是一种完美的事情。加上后两句所表达出了作者不在乎能够天长地久，却只在乎曾经拥有的愿望，可以看出作者对爱情的执著与专一。

谁带我踏上孤独的丝路？
追逐你的脚步。
谁带我离开孤独的丝路？
感受你的温度。
我将眼泪流成天上上面的湖，
让你疲倦时能够扎营停住。
羌笛声、胡旋舞，为你笑、为你哭。
爱上你的全部，放弃我的全部。

第二段用的是一个比喻：丝路。丝路是一条通往中国至中东国家的一条路，因为它的长度与气候，所以要过着一段路是非常的辛苦。丝路之所以会称为丝路，那是因为当时的中国商人为了到中东的地方卖丝绸，必定要经过这一条道路，因此命名为丝路。在这里，作者用的比喻非常恰当，把爱情的道路比喻为丝路，那是因为爱情的道路就有如丝路一样的长、一样的辛苦。作者也同时暗喻这是爱情的必经之路，没有办法躲避的。而如何会‘踏上孤独的丝路’呢？就是最后一句话：‘爱上你的全部，放弃我的全部’，为了自己的爱而牺牲拥有的一切。第五、六句更佳表现出这一点：作者愿意把眼泪流干了，流成天上上面的湖，目的就是让自己的爱在失落时，在彷徨时，有一个歇脚的地方，有一个休息的地方，才能够让他‘扎营停住’。就连羌笛与胡旋舞都愿意为他笑和为他哭，这样的为爱西上还不算大吗？这样的付出而不要求回报不算是爱情的丝路吗？那又要如何脱离着艰苦的‘爱情丝路’呢？就是受到另一半的重视，接收到他的爱。可见，作者在这里构思得非常好，前呼后应。

这就总结了第一部分的歌词。

Mother Theresa Said

2006-01-04T00:54:00.000+08:00

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind,
People may Accuse you of Selfish, Ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be Honest and Frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have,and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis,it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
-Mother Teresa
(This shall be wad i am going to learn to be: a person who can forgive and forget easily)

Thank you Faith! :) Wad u have said really woke me up ... I really feel veri stupid and silly now ... Love ya lots baby! :)

A Decision Made

2005-12-29T16:35:00.000+08:00

Well, 2 days ago was a frustrating day for me ... my mind is in a total mess and i dunno wad to do with myself ... so i decided to blog ... my dear place to vent my feelings ...

Actually, I was kinda upset and disappointed by wad kind of attitude my friend has shown me today. I knoe it has been hard on him to help me with this favour, and he has tried his best. However, why he cannot juz give me a simple call and juz tell me dat he cant help? In this way, I can find another alternative method to solve the problem, rather than making me wait fron 1 pm on 26 December to 2:30 pm on 27 December. He obviously does not have a sense of responsibility, or he doesn't take me as a friend. What is the use of saying so many sorries and apologies when he has done me such a great disservice?

However, instead of letting anger get the better out of me, I just tried to calm myself down. Come on, he is still your friend after all. Furthermore, it is my own fault for trusting a guy that i knoe is never trustable at all. As if this is the very first time. Also, I asked myself a very important question: What is my goal or my aim for life? and my answer is: To make everyone happy. If I were just to shout and scream and get angry with him, he will become unhappy. And this unhappiness will be caused by me, which is a contradiction from my aims. Thus, I have come to a conclusion of what should I do.

First, I really cannot take the anger in my heart, so I just went to the other friend and just talked to her about it. Well, not so much of a talk, but more of shouting. After talking to her, I feel better because I just kind of 'vented' my anger on her. She didn't seem to mind listening to me, of course, which I feel very glad. At least I am not imposing on her. After which, I sat down in front of my altar and thought: well, since I have vented out my anger and recognised this, it is time to just forgive and forget. I decide that I will just be friends with him again, but just normal friends. We can still laugh and chat with each other, but that will be the limit.

Well I sound strange, but to me, I feel that there are some things that even sincerity and time can never buy. One of these things is called trust. There is too much bitterness between the both of us for me to have the same kind of trust in him again. There is practically nothing he can do to make me forgive him, no matter how much apologies or gifts he make. He just betrayed my trust once and once again. If you were me, will you still trust him? No. It is a sure no.

I might be very sentimental, but this is what went through my mind. I dont care whether is he a girl or a guy. As long as he betrayed my trust, it's just like pouring water onto the floor. Try putting the water back into the bottle. You can never do that. It will be the same for trust. Once you have broken it, dont ever expect the person to trust you again. So what I seriously suggest to that person is to stop all your sincere apologies (and I seriously believe that it is sincere), but do something useful that might help bringing back the trust again.

That's all I have to say, and good day to all.

OSLE ROX!!!

2005-12-17T11:48:00.000+08:00

Chia Hui
Eunice
Faith
Fatein
Franson
Haryati
Heidi aka Mortal
Hui Ning
Jessica
Jia Sheng (Me!!!)
Jie Ying
Lionel
Marcus
Neilson aka roomate
Pei Yee
Shi Wei aka Angel
Tina
Toon
Ying Hui
Yuan Long

20 very close friends. 20 buddies working together overseas.

This is my bery first time going overseas with my friends to do community project. Although the project has officially ended, but what leaves behind are the beautiful memories, whether is it sad, happy or touching.

I still could remember the day when we had to leave Ming Ying Village, where it is the last day we would be seeing our fellow students. Written on each of their faces were sadness, reluctance, and hope in their eyes. Yes, hope, the burning wish for us to stay and continue to teach them. It was unbearable sadness that I could not take it. Droplets of tears rolling down my cheeks. I was so reluctant that we have to part after such a short period of time. Too short, in fact, for us to get together. When we start to understand each other better, the time had come for us to leave and go on to our next destination. Haiz ... I feel especially sad, not because I am touched, but because I am guilty by the fact that I have not done my best in imparting the skills they need to learn English. I did not manage to bring myself up from the lazy mode to the enthusiastic mode. Looking at the eagerness written on all their faces, and contrasting it to my stupid laziness, I felt that it was them who taught me a lesson in life, not the other way round.

When we reached the city Lijiang, I astounded, surprised, touched that all my fellow mates had remembered my birthday! :) It was another surprise, yet happy and touching scene for me. In my whole life, I rarely celebrate my birthday. When my birthday comes, all I do is to ask my parents to bring me out to a nearby hawker centre to have a dinner together. That is fulfiling enough for me I guess, as I am happy to see my whole family together. Since the age of 7, I have stopped celebrating my birthdays. Sometimes, even my parents forget about it and that day to me becomes just a normal day! I only remembered celebrating my birthday with 2 of my classmates last year, which we went out to take a walk around Orchard Road. This year, with all my buddies around me, celebrating my birthday, and remembering the day, I was very touched and happy. Looking back, I wish to say to all my buddies a big "THANK YOU!!"

One of the events that made me so touched and angry was the celebration organised by Ying Hui, Hui Ning and Haryati. At first, they called everyone out for a so-called 'meeting' by Amos. Then suddenly someone shouted Hui Ning went missing. Eunice, Lionel and me, especially, were so terrified by this piece of news and we start looking for her. In fact, everyone was so worried that we turned the hotel topsy-turvy just to look for her. The worry in us was: What if Hui Ning met with an accident? If she's outside alone, it would be very dangerous, since it is in the night and furthermore we are not in Singapore. Panic seized us the moment we thought of this. When finally, Ying Hui took out Hui Ning's room key and opened the door. It actually turned out to be a surprise celebration! Well, me Eunice and Lionel were kind of angry for this act and Lionel, to our ultimate surprise, started to weep. Eunice scolded them and I did too. To me, it was too serious a matter to joke around with. We are in one big team, one big family. If someone goes missing, everyone will similarly be worried, because to us, we are no more teammates. We are actually buddies, close friends, good friends, whatever you call it. However, becuase of their painstaking effort in trying to organise and plan this party for all of us, I was similarly touched. You know, it is difficult to plan a surprise party and celebration for everyone, given the fact that there are 20 of us who do not know anything, and their willingness to bear all the consequences touched me further. I have never feel so bonded to a group before. But now, I feel extremely bonded to OSLE and my teammates.

OSLE rox, and will rox forever.

幸福

2005-10-15T23:48:00.000+08:00

幸福其实离我非常的近，而且我感受到它的存在。我很高兴，自己能被幸福包围，感受其温暖。

情人之间的爱恨情仇，就把它个到一旁，让友情与亲情的幸福掩盖这些仇恨吧。

常碰到我以前的朋友，他们看到我，第一句话就问道：‘你有了女朋友吗？’‘什么？没有女朋友？咳，等到什么时候才去找啊？’‘不想要？你同性恋啊？’

对于男女感情的问题，我一定是说：‘不了，谢谢！’

也许经历过那么多次的挫折，我在其中成长，也成熟了许多。每一次一碰到问题，我似乎就是无法解决。但在这些困境中，我也一直在学习，也领悟到了一个现实与痛苦的道理：爱情与白面包，大家选得都会是白面包。也许我个子小，人又没有什么作为，所以喜欢的女孩子对我也不会刮目相看吧，在爱情上遇到的挫折自然比别人来的更多。

但是，现在的我，似乎了解了爱情的渺小性，跟友情与亲情比起来，似乎有天渊之别之差。

我觉得有清对我而言是我人生中的精神支柱。如果把我的挫折比喻成黑暗，那么友情必然是你驱走黑暗的太阳。如果把失落与哀痛比喻成伤口，那么友情就一定是包扎伤口的药物，是我的伤口慢慢愈合。这种友情就有如一只萤火虫，指引我走向光明、开心的道路，把我从黑暗的陷阱中拉上来。这也许就是友情的象征意义吧。

或许有许多人把友情看成平凡的感情，但这些人并没有了解到，这友情是有非比寻常的魔力与作用。功课上遇到困难，我们可以找老师；经济上遇到困难，我们可以找家长；但感情上遇到困难，却未有朋友才可以解开你心中的结了，那是因为最能体贴你、了解你、帮助你的人，非你亲密的朋友不可了。这种友情是我非常珍惜，非常重视的。现在得到在手中，我希望自己能好好珍惜它，不要让他从手中溜走了。

我非常高兴自己能找到自己的幸福，通往天国的阶梯，或许大家也应该像我这样，寻找心灵上真正的幸福吧！

A BIG THANK YOU TO MY CLOSE FRIENDS!!!

2005-10-10T20:08:00.000+08:00

Dunno why, I juz have the feel to use English to write again ... maybe it will take a longer time to rediscover my feel for Chinese ... so everyone sorrie ... pls tolerate my poor English. ^_^

Today, after my last paper, I suddenly feel very blessed. I just all of a sudden, feel very glad and happy that I am in this kind of environment, with my very close friends around me, giving me love.

Of course, I am not just talking about my study group mates. They are also one huge group of 'brothers and sisters' giving me hope and moral support, not to mention how well they cared for me. I am really touched by what they have done.

One of them, as many who read my blog should know, is Xiao Xin. She is really a very good 'sister' of mine. I really dedicate this article to her, for her constant moral support and courage she gave me. Everytime when I am feeling down, she would always give encouraging statements such as 'Don't feel sad, don't give up' etc. Everytime I need someone, she would be always there for me. Thanks a lot, dear jie mei!!! Hope our 'sistership' will last forever.

The other one, not really known to many, is JiaJia. I know I have been rude to her lately, but I think she really give me a lot of courage to press on. Everytime I see her and confide my personal matters with her, she would always console me and try to counsel me. When I am down, I can expect her to lend me her precious time to counsel me. That is why I always confide in her my own personal matters. Always a happy gal. I wish we can always be jie mei forever.

Hmmm ... I have written a long long article about my dear study group mates, so I shan't bother to touch on them anymore. But must really thank them for tolerating my strange character for so long.

In the end, if my examinations really do well, deep in my heart, i thank all these close friends for helping me realise my goals. Though it sounds a bit mushy, but dear friends, I love you, and thank you for giving me what I never enjoyed before in my life. Hope this goes on forever!!! ^_^

I love ...

2005-10-07T22:54:00.000+08:00

Anyone wondered why i called my blog couragetoluv?

This is so as we need a lot of courage to embrace this power.

A lot of people will not understand what i mean; this is because they embrace themselves with a corrupted meaning of love.

Of course, I was duped by it before, but after a series of experience ... I juz feel love is juz ... merely love ...

A corrupted meaning of love juz shows how immature those thinking of the people are.

When you say the three words: "I love you", please remember that u are taking up a lot of courage to accept the power of love. This is so as therein lies a lot of courage to accept and give, the courage to protect and give her happiness forever. If you cannot fulfil all these, think twice before saying.

And wad is more, love is the only used by fools in romance. The love in romance is just poor rubbish and immature thinking ... A person who is mature would really understand that love is not juz merely romance ...

I love the world ... I love all the human beings on earth ... only those who are close to me can feel it ... only those who are mature enough understand it ... only those who are happy will search for it ... only those who can understand it will treasure it ...

This is a bigger courage of love: COMPASSION.

"The Island" Evaluation

2005-08-08T23:31:00.000+08:00

It was just today that I sat in and watch a boring movie about cloning. Well, not exactly boring, but it brings up provoking issues in my head as I was on my way home. ‘The Island’ show is indeed a very insightful movie, especially when I am watching it with my beloved friend.

Cloning – Is it acceptable?
There has been a great argument between the two extremes – whether it is perfectly fine to clone or whether it is morally wrong. In this movie, the director has portrayed cloning as the pitfall to human’s morals and values. In this movie, a scientist had cloned more than two thousand people just for the sake of earning money, but has totally neglected the feelings of those being cloned. Just to gain personal profits, the scientist totally ignored morals and was inhuman when he killed his clones and resurrected them just for the need of his clients. In this way, he is manipulated by the profits he had gained, but not the benefits of cloning.

Censorship – gateway to hell
In this movie, all the clones were controlled within a restricted area. There has been no total freedom given to them. For example, when Lincoln tried to escape from the area, he was chased by the police. The people were confined to an area, and had to do what they were being told. It brings to attention the situation that we are in now. We are just like the clones, confined due to the censorship of the government, unable to appreciate the arts people in other countries can. To us, arts are just like the real world outside the clones; to them, they know nuts about the real world!

Mass Media – Power of influence
The film, as expected, provided enough thrill for us to stay awake and watch. The excitement to see how the hero – Tom Lincoln rescue the other fellow clones to be killed by the evil baddy scientist was indeed interesting. Well, typical. Too common to see this kind of situations in the movie and in the end, the hero saves the day. However, what interests me is the number of people who were attracted to such a plot: quite a handful. It indeed has its charisma in attracting these people to watch.

情深似海

2005-07-30T23:51:00.000+08:00

问世间情为何物？
夜夜夜闻哭泣声。
声中似诉听闻者，
为情所困无处逃。
贾府不赏黛玉矣，
宝玉对女情深重。
宝钗此女守礼节，
偏却恋上林黛玉。
贾宝玉复贾宝玉，
吾之处境不差矣！

A shock to me

2005-07-29T09:20:00.000+08:00

(Pls do not add comments for this article for i have disallowed that.
I seriously did not know what to do when I see my friends and close people crying, and yet i do not know how to help them.

I seriously do not know what can i say abt the tragic incident when i really feel the atmosphere around me.

BUT WHAT CAN I DO?

I suddenly realised how fragile life can be in the sense. Last time, when I was browsing through Buddhist books and articles, I was thinking, 'this book must be joking!How can life be so fragile?' Until now, then i realised it. I do not know what to say, but it is really kind of weird and sad when someone just next to you passed away. I seriously do not know what to say. I want to go down and console my friends, but i do not dare to do so. I seriously do not know what to do.

Perhaps, life is so fragile. Maybe those who have been close friends with her would cry because they are being very close friends with her. I understand their feelings but to quote from a Dharma text by Arya Shantideva:'What is the use of being unhappy when you cannot change the situation, and what for being unhappy when you know that you can change it?' So, i feel that the best thing is just to let your tears run dry, n remember her as a close and sweet friend in your heart forever.

I learnt that life is fragile. I finally understood the meaning. Its just like all of a sudden. When time is up, it is up. You cannot try to delay it or lengthen it. Therefore, I advise all who read my blog to treasure those you love around you, and really love them. I am really sorry to those that i often bullied and make fun of, and i solemnly promise that i will treasure them like jewels. Seriously, we must learn to treasure things before it is really to late.

I pray to every Buddha and Bodhisattva, to all gods and Prophets, that may you bless her always and bring her to the highest realm, never to let her suffer again in her next life. May she be able to attain enlightenment and transfer her consciousness to Buddha pure realm, never to come back to the world of sufferings. May the five buddhas of wisdom and the compassionate one, Avalokiteshvara, look upon her as the daughter of the buddhas and bring her away from the sufferings. May she be able to gain enlightenment! May she be able to leave the samsara and never come back again!

发泄？还是评击？

2005-07-22T23:14:00.001+08:00

相信那些喜欢阅读我的专栏的朋友们，都非常了解我的人格：有话直说。

但是，今晚的我，却被一些无理取闹的人捆绑着我，是我觉得不自在。

我不想指名道姓，但是我希位如果她会用网际网络而上我网站时，可以注意一下自己的言行举止，否则结果会像我老师所指的‘泼妇骂街’。

这件事发生在xx小学，晚上八点五十分。

儿子有错，却一直怂恿儿子，还一直向我们指指点点，把黑的说成白的，把错的说成对的，最后我们还得向他道歉。也许我的家人和我都是文明的人，文学根底是有的，儒家思想多少有一点，懂得什么叫仪态，所以才不会和她吵架来降低自己的身份。像这种人，根本不把道理放在前面的，简直是没道德、没修养、也没家教。我只能唉声叹气，也明白为什么她的孩子跟她一样没有家教了。

现在新加坡的父母都像这位父母为了孩子就这样黑白不分吗？

我的直觉告诉我，这种事情在新加坡发生的几率是很少的。

我当然明白父母对孩子的爱是无限的，但是，如果我们只一味地深爱着孩子，却忘了教导他正确的道德观，到头来，这位孩子在监狱里的成绩自然会很‘辉煌’。在印度中，曾经传说过这样的故事：一位父母，包庇孩子，就算孩子偷东西，这对父母从来不骂他，反而还称赞他。最后，这位孩子难逃法网，法官判他死刑。在受刑的前一天，那位儿子要求见他的父母。一看见父母，儿子马上把那两位父母的耳朵咬掉，并且说了那么一句话：‘你们在我小时候只顾怂恿我，却没有真正教过我道德观念，所以我有今天，都是你一手造成的。’希望那位母亲以后耳朵不会被咬掉。

骂了那么多，我从这次的教训也吸取了一些经验：不要和野蛮的女子斗，她们横行霸道，文明人是不会去计较的。我心胸狭窄，所以才会写这篇文章抒发自己的感情。

我觉得可惜的是，这位夫人有很好的口才，却不懂怎么好好利用它，变得很浪费了。看着她的老公静静的跟随在后，不敢吭一声，我们也了解了这位夫人的人格了。

歌爱

2005-07-16T21:29:00.000+08:00

我不要做你童话里的天使，因为童话始终是童话，是虚幻的。

我没有想到一千年以后那么远，因为我现在还得不到你的爱。

我不敢让你接受我，因为‘接受’里包含了许多负担与责任。

我会永远镇守着寂寞边界，因为我的爱会一直死缠着你的心。

我在这样的爱下去，真怕自己会爱疯了，无发控制自己的心。

我还是依旧做一个痴心汉子，对你的爱与包容是痴心绝对的。

希望有一天你能带我远走高飞，带我离开着伤心的寂寞边界。

但是，到最后，我还是问了：‘你到底爱我还是他？’

你答案含糊不清，就像六色彩虹一样捉摸不定。

2005-07-02T20:22:00.000+08:00

Haiz ... my cousin place does not have chinese software ... so i have to blog in English again ... haiz ...

I still remember the times when we are together, looking out for one another during lessons, sitting together, sleeping together, having the same dreams ...

I still remember the times when we are together, eating the same food, having good times, singing our favourite song, laughing at our own lame jokes ...

I still remember the times when we are together, when you fell down and bleed, how worried was i for you, how I tried to washed your wound, how i wished i was the one who fell ...

I still remember the times when we are together, when we talked and joked about anythig under the sun during our way home, how i comforted and consoled you when you were feeling down, or when you were feeling worried ...

I still remember the times when we are together, when you came up to look for me, talk to me, and I feel so happy and sweet in my heart that i could not sleep that night ...

But do you remember them?

You only remembered my childishness, my folly when i said i dun dare to talk to you because i feel so strange when talking to you ...

You only remembered my vulnerability for feelings, and used it to attack me, and shun me away, as if i am diseased ...

You only remembered my likeness for the other girls, and think that i still carrying a torch for her when i already announced to the whole world that i don't even love her ...

Now ... you don't even remember me ...

However, no matter what happens, i will wait for you ... because my soul is always forever with you ...

树

2005-06-28T15:44:00.000+08:00

我试过问我自己，看到她幸福，我就会幸福快乐吗？

也许是吧，但她却没有给过我幸福快乐的眼神。

我再问自己，我真的快乐吗？

我不知道。

现在的生活对我来说正是水深火热的时候。我进退两难，根本不知道该怎么面对她。若不想和她交往，生活就似乎变得非常乏味，变得无趣；若和她交往，我会顾虑到她的感受，别人对我们的眼光，而且，她到底会不会快乐。

这一切对我来说是非常难回答的。难道，我一直在蒙骗自己，她不快乐吗？还是我自尊心太强了？

如果爱情就像棵树一样，每天只需要给它浇水施肥，就没有这一些无味的烦恼了。

爱情啊，你几时会变得像一棵树那么简单呢？

千言万语（后记）

2005-06-22T19:05:00.000+08:00

‘不要为我伤心，因为我不伤心；不要为我落泪，因为我反而会伤心。看到你找到自己的幸福，这是我生命中最大的快乐。’

‘也许我最大的原动力不是在于拥有你，而是在于看到你幸福快乐。看到你开心，我全身就流动着幸福的感觉，有一种难以遏制的力量袭击我，要我把我的事情一一办妥。’

人们常说：‘我会爱你一辈子，永远，海可枯，石可烂，也不改变我对你的爱。’我想，我要的只是今天的爱，因为也许今天口中所说的永远明天就会岁随风而去的消失了。

谢谢大家！

2005-06-09T21:17:00.000+08:00

很多人看了我的日记后，有许多感想。

有的，描了一眼就马上攻击我，‘你不要自作多情了吧！’，‘不要无病呻吟吧！’。我非常感谢他们所给我的意见，但也许他们真的不了解我的内心吧。我这个人，不大喜欢把悲伤表现出来，但又不知如何找个地方发泄，所以就以这片天地作为我心灵的家。如果大家觉得这地方太过悲惨或夸张，还请大家见谅。

但是，另一方面，我有察觉到一些关心我的好朋友，有如‘小歆’、劲禾等等，她们在我失落的时候给与我最大的鼓励，在我放弃的时候给我坚持的信念，在我失败的时候把我扶起来。这些朋友，除了感谢，我还是说无尽的感谢。这些朋友的存在，把我的黑夜点亮了，把我的世界美化了。这，也许就叫做真正的友谊吧。

不管是认识我的，还是不认识我的，我都想送我的朋友们一首《星光游乐园》的歌词，是由Twins 唱的。（对不起，我不会把wma 或 mp3 的软件upload上来这里，请大家见谅！)-_-

就像星星落在地面七彩闪烁世界
游乐园颜色像卡片
旋转木马带我们在飞我的手让你牵
爱情原来是最香浓咖啡杯
摩天轮里面独处的时间
我心情游客谁都了解
背包的左边票根的背面
我趁你不注意偷偷写下心愿

期待今夜天空星星不熄灭
在心里约定陪你到永远
抬头看一遍星星眨眼
现在你就在我身边

我祈祷就让地球停在这瞬间
不聊天静静散步也很美
抬头看一遍你的侧脸
想到微笑挂你唇边
la~~~~~~~

就像城堡前的花园
爱这幸福感觉
能不能这样都不变
拍张我们合照的相片
野火停在天边
你的好也停在我的心里面

爆米花香味带着一种甜
喜欢你开心大笑的脸
背包的左边票根的背面
我趁你不注意偷偷写下心愿

祈祷就让地球停在这瞬间
不聊天静静散步也很美
抬头看一遍你的侧脸
想到微笑挂你唇边

我期待今夜天空星星不熄灭
在心里约定陪你到永远
抬头看一遍星星眨眼
现在你就在我身边
la~~~~~

千言万语的爱

2005-06-08T21:21:00.000+08:00

为什么我一直不敢注视她那温柔的眼神呢？

为什么我一直不理她对我的呼唤呢？

为什么我一直不敢正面看她那憔悴的脸神呢？

因为，我怕我会爱上她……

我好害怕自己有一天不能控制自己的情绪，向前对她说：‘我爱你！’。因为我明白，失去过了的机会，就有如失去了的时间，一去也就不回头。我不能那么自私，因为我爱她而霸占她，不让其他的男生有机会爱上她。我也没有那么大的本事让她爱上我，没有那么大的魅力让她喜欢我。我毕竟是个一事无成的家伙。

我好担心如果有一天让她知道我对她有非分之想，她会大发雷霆，也会非常尴尬。我不能让她受到任何的委屈，也不能让她受到任何的伤害。我更不能因为我的爱而让她感到不自在，也不能因为我的爱而让她感到无地自容。她的品味究竟也不差。

但是，就因为我想得那么多，造成了我和她知己的关系破碎，闹得我们俩的关系非常疆，全都因为我想得太多了。一切都是我的错，我的错！

千言万语，是因一个‘爱’字儿开始的……

千言万语却说不出口……

2005-06-07T23:03:00.000+08:00

今晚的天空有一颗流星划过，不知道在预言些什么？

那颗星，是否在告诉我，我的选择时正确的？还是在告诉我，我一直都在骗自己？

我真的不明白为什么自己会那么傻，那一段美好的回忆已经完完全全的过去了，为什么我还惦记着她呢？明知道等她的结果却是一场空，还没开始的爱情已经结束了，为什么我要当痴心汉，花我一辈子的时间等她呢？为什么我知道心中已经对她没有感觉了，却一直把对她的爱挂在嘴边呢？

我自己也不知道。

也许是我对自己的评价给得太低了吧。我认为自己根本就配不上任何人，我这样瘦巴巴的身材，也没有什么内涵，全世界的人也都不了解我，歧视我，我怎么有资格爱上一个女的呢？我可以带给她幸福和快乐吗？还是我只会拖累她呢？我不想去想那么多，所以就以爱她来蒙骗自己，一直不断地告诉自己，我只爱她一个人，全世界唯有她一个。

也许我喜欢的女生水平也太高了吧。我不知我自己是搞什么的，但喜欢的女生全都是很有内涵的，很有气质的，而我简直是癞蛤蟆想吃天鹅肉，但我又有什么办法？我能控制自己不爱上她吗？我能忘记她吗？以前所谓的‘姐妹’现在是个热门的女生，她会记得我吗？所以我还是选择自我麻痹，让自己的心好过一点。

但是，我那么确定我能忘记她吗？

我根本就不能把她放下,我根本就不能逃避她那生动的眼神。为什么呢？我自己也不了解。千言万语，我却说不出来……

当我深深地凝视着她，她似乎没有注意到我的视线。我拼命的告诉自己，我不能够爱这位甜美的女生。但是，我又一次次失败了……

我现在心好乱，好复杂。

就让这沉默的夜晚伴我寂寞的心，闪烁的星星点缀我宁静的天空。

古今悲怀

2005-05-23T20:48:00.000+08:00

南洋此地微如星，
人中之龙女如凤。
英雄无用武之地，
非藏二虎杀韩非。

千言万语（前言）

2005-05-20T21:45:00.000+08:00

我深深地凝视着她，她似乎没有注意到我的视线。我拼命的告诉自己，我不能够爱这位甜美的女生。

但是，我又失败了……

我根本就不能把她放下,我根本就不能逃避她那生动的眼神。为什么呢？我自己也不了解。也许，这就叫做爱情的悲愤吧。

千言万语，我却说不出来……

过去的曙光

2005-04-23T23:17:00.000+08:00

雨，下得很大。

风，吹得很冷。

人，也很寂寞。

但在雨中我却恍恍惚惚看见一个人的轮廓，她撑把伞，慢慢地走向我，我的呼吸渐渐地加重了。突然打了一个喷嚏，她似乎听到了，加快了脚步，拖鞋的咔嚓咔嚓声也越来越响。她走到我旁边，一声不吭地把一件冷衣披在我身上。我眼睁睁地望着她，她的眼神却是软绵绵地被子，不知不觉中，我的眼睛也开始热了。我被爱的力量给包围了，全身虽然湿透透地，身体去不感觉到寒冷。她用了操劳二十年的双手来抹干我头发，轻轻地把我的头搂进她的怀里。我在她的拥抱里，终于号啕大哭了。

我终于哭了，我终于哭了……

二十年前的我，我记得我们曾经说过这段话：

‘小盛，你长大后，如果有一天你感觉到寂寞的话，你会不会哭？’

‘决不会！’

‘那如果你哭了呢？’

‘我不会哭，我会把寂寞赶走，因为弄我哭的是坏蛋，是坏人！’

同样的她，同样说了一句话，但这句话却说得不清不楚地：

‘小盛，乖，小时候你答应我不会哭的，怎么又哭了？’

这时，我发觉从她的脸上流下了两行热乎乎地眼泪。

原来，人是那么容易哭的！原来，这两滴眼泪，是那么容易留下来的；这一双眼睛，是那么脆弱的，这两只眼睛，是人最重要，也是人最经不起挫折的部分。它也是人类最感性的部分，也帮人类表达情感的部分。而我的那双眼睛，现在说要表达的只是孤独，绝望 ……

‘死人是不能复活的，我们要坚强，不然小惠死也死不瞑目……’她说不完这句话。她没有勇气在说下去了。她只能默默地哭着，哭着……

小惠的脸贴在那坟墓上，死的时候还带出笑容。她临终时只说了一句话：‘不要为我的死而难过，要坚强的活下去……’想到这里，两滴眼泪又滑落了下来。从我们在车里见面的最后一刻，我们也从此阴阳隔离，我生活上少了伴侣，我的孩子少了妈妈，我要如何活下去？

‘我不想活了！我不想活了！’想到这里，我自杀的念头都涌上来，我很想那么一死了之……

‘不可以！不可以！你那么做，谁来照顾你的孩子？你说，你说……’她把我再次搂在怀里，哽咽的说了这些话。

二十年前的怀抱，和现在的怀抱没有什么差别。那怀抱还是充满了母爱，那怀抱还是充满了热诚，那双干活儿的粗手仍然是那么温暖的。只是，人长老了些，我也长大了许多。而我的心灵，二十年来都没有丝毫的改变，还是那么的脆弱，受不了打击。我还需要母爱一直陪伴在我身边，照顾我，保护我，呵护我 ……

雨，下得很大。

风，吹得好冷。

心，却是暖的……

有一天

2005-04-16T22:46:00.000+08:00

也许有一天你会知道玻璃的脆弱
可能有一天你会了解人生的短暂
如果有一天你明白我心中的温暖
一切或许已经太晚了

当我一直在你身边纠缠不清
当我一直把肩膀借给你来用
当我一直在你视线范围出现
当我一直把你放在我心中

但你却一直把我提到一个角落
但你却一次次滥用我温暖的肩
但你却一桶水扑灭心中的热情
但你缺那一把斧头把我心捶碎

Fairy Tale

2005-04-15T23:07:00.000+08:00

Ok ... I know it is kind of odd ... since I have been writing my blog in the form of Chinese Essays and Poems and this is my first time writing in English ... but I seriously have something to share with everyone ... especially to you know who ... I am very sorry about my temper ... i dedicate this poem to you ... hope we sisters will be just like a pair forever ... taking care for one another ...
(This poem is a translation of 《童话》 by 光良, in addition to some of my ideas ... and mixings ...)

It has been a while
I have not heard you telling me your favourite fairy tale

I thought for long while
I become very anxious
Is it what I have done is wrong again

You sadly told me that
beautiful sotries are just lies
It's impossible to be my love
But after what you said
Said you love me forever
Just like the sun
Brightening the sky

I wish to be the angel in your lovely fairy tale
Open my hands grab the wings to soar the sky
You must believe believe that we will always be together
Ending is happiness and warmth

Writing our very own ending

回不来的电话

2005-04-12T19:56:00.000+08:00

‘很想哭，哭完无助 ……’

我的内心一直不停的挣扎，我现在非常矛盾。夜晚的强风一阵阵地吹来，打乱我的心；星星的繁密让我心乱如麻；树叶的摆动让我思潮起伏；落叶的飘动让我情绪难免。

跟她绝交吧，又显得我这个人心胸狭窄。我怎么能和一个女生吵呢？但是，不跟她绝交吧，又好像是对不起自己的样子。仅仅三个月的感情，却因命运的造孽让我们相遇，让我们成为情同手足的好朋友。但是，这三个月的感情，却在一分钟，不，是一秒钟之内消失了 ……

为什么和她那么计较？她只不过不回你几通电话罢了，你就如此心碎，怎么，你又错爱上她了？我一直不停的责问自己。不，不可能，我安慰自己，这是绝对不可能的，她有那么多追求者，我哪一点会配得上她呢？

我希望我说的这句话是对的，我也相信我自己所说的话。

我还记得当时的她柔声的对我说：“家盛，相信我，我们会是永远的好‘姐妹’！”那时，我在她那温柔的眼光中找到温暖，也许是我不受欢迎吧，常与同学吵架，所以自然有人说要做我的好朋友，我高兴还来不及呢！也许，当时在我被高兴迷住的当儿，也把信任错放她的手。

我恨她！为什么她要把世界的温暖带给我？为什么她要答应做我的好朋友？为什么她要把我当木偶耍？为什么她要帮我解开我心中的烦恼？这一切却到头来一场空，这又是何苦呢？早知今日，何必当初呢？早知道我们会散，为什么还要对我那么好呢？让我封闭我的心好了！让我的烦恼燃烧我的心好了！让我不要有任何朋友好了！至少，我不会惨遭朋友抛弃的痛苦！

说来说去，我不能怪她。是我自己愚昧，让人骗得团团转的不知道，还以为自己活在幸福的当儿。是我自己太过信任别人，把一切都告诉了她。全都是我的错，我不应该和她做朋友。

回想一阵子，也许是我太过任性了，也许她非常的忙，没时间回我电话。但这是不可能的事，难道她晚上也在忙着吗？难道在她的心目中，我这个姐妹是那么次要的吗？难道我很烦吗？难道她觉得我在利用她？还是她觉得我是低俗人，和她做不上朋友？还是是我想太多了？

但她了解我的感受吗？她了解我一直都不是受欢迎吗？她了解我需要一个知己常在旁边鼓励我，安慰我，支持我吗？她了解如果我没有人陪，我会很孤单、寂寞吗？

我心中还有很多怨恨与愤怒想要写出来，但就有如李白所说的：‘抽刀断水水更流，举杯消愁愁更愁’，我越写这篇文章，我心就更加烦乱，我根本不知道我该如何去解决这件事，我更加没有勇气去面对她。

千万不要误会，我和她只不过是一对好‘姐妹’罢了，而我只不过是一个太过重感情的人吧。

日出

2005-03-20T19:09:00.000+08:00

‘夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏。’

我此刻的心情，也许是唉叹，也许是惋惜，也许是舍不得，也许是……心中有一千零一个也许，但是，美好的回忆始终是回忆，时间还是冷酷无情的，回忆仍然是最美好的。

那天陪我看日出的，只有两个女生。

但是，令我深深的记住这件事的，不是太阳的出现，而是两个女生的陪伴。

两位女生都是好久没见的朋友，好不容易才能相聚一次，我们偷偷做了一个决定，等太阳出现的当儿，我们将会聊天，聊一整晚，聊出心事，聊生活枷锁。

也许太阳的出现，就是悲剧的发生……

太阳的出现，只是短短的五分钟，却向是五秒钟般的闪过，而且，这五分钟就是代表我们谈话结束的时候，离别的时候来了。

也许日出的感觉，对我来说，就是那么痛苦的。

时间的飞机

2005-03-07T22:28:00.000+08:00

夜深了，大家都沉浸在睡梦中，唯独我一个在床上思潮起伏，为我人生的离别感到悲哀。

古人常言：‘天下无不散之宴席’，既然有欢欢喜喜的合，也必定会有哀痛的别。人生无常，时间短暂，一眨眼之间，三个月在一起相处的好朋友就有离开我的身边了，难免有一股不舍之情。

柳宗元、苏轼，等等的诗人常常对美景怀念，也常有舍不得的时候。对一个人有感情，肯定会更加舍不得这个人。也许这就是上天赐个我们的痛苦吧：让人有感情。

离别。这个词在很多人的脑里是不以为然的，因为人总有一天会要离别。《当你孤单你会想起谁》-- 但是，天总会黑，任总要离别，谁也不能永远陪谁’这句话，正形容了每个人生命。

可能，这离别会痛苦的原因，就因为有美好的回忆而造成的吧。

难道这世上就没有一样东西是永恒的吗？回忆会随着时间不见，痛苦也会随着时间离去，感情也会随着时间消失。但这也好，至少人们不会生活在回忆中。一位朋友曾经说过：‘人在这地球上生活的真正意义，是为未来而生活，不是活在回忆的美。’

但这些美好的回忆，也不一定要扔掉，因为让这些回忆活在心中，会使人的生命更加精彩，至少你心里知道，你曾经走过一个这样美好的道路，你曾经有这样的感觉。

我不在乎曾经拥有过，直珍惜眼前的一切。

锁匙

2005-02-25T18:53:00.000+08:00

这篇文章将会是一把锁匙。它将会是一把开往天堂的锁匙，开往人间温暖的锁匙。

这篇文章也就是唯一一支能在十年后打开我现在的保险箱的钥匙，这个保险相装的是无价之宝，是十年、二十年、就算是一辈子也买不到的东西。

它装的就是通往爱的极乐世界 ……

这一天，我心情非常的沉闷。朋友们对我不太了解，竟然把悲惨的回忆都打开了，回忆一打开，那些恐怖的画面就像电影似的擦肩而过，折磨着我的心，我脆弱的内心受不了，留下了失败的眼泪 ……

在这伤心欲绝的时候，就出现了两位‘见义勇为’的知己，他们在一旁逗我开心，安慰我，把我心中的冬天暖成了春天。这也许就是就是友谊的温暖吧。就因为这种温暖，把我心中的冰山都溶化成水了，太阳也从西边升起来了。

我要把这些温暖收藏起来，我要把小新所给的关怀都收在心中的一个地方叫‘温暖世界’，当我感到世界的冷漠时，我要用这篇文章把这‘温暖世界’的门锁打开，将我心中燃放烟火，让我感觉到世界的温暖。

我也要把这难忘的回忆收藏在心中的一个地方叫‘美丽世界’，当我感觉伤心的时候，我要用这篇文章把这世界的门锁打开，让我想到世界不管有多无意义，还有这两个人：小新和‘牛粪的精华’在我的心中绽放光芒，让我在回忆里搜出两位关心我的朋友。

让我把这回忆锁起来吧，希望十年后的未来，当我在打开回忆，世界还是一样的甜美。

中学生的忧郁

2005-02-24T21:05:00.000+08:00

大概多三天后，我就会在学校的冷气礼堂里，战战兢兢的去领取成绩。

想到这里，我的眼泪就会不由自主的落下。

通常人们都有一张照片或事物来勾起自己心中的回忆，而我，却只能用回忆来点亮回忆的迷宫，让回忆不要迷失在这美丽又灰暗的迷宫……

看着那空荡的书桌与椅子，赫然想起半年前坐在那张书桌前的我……和我的那群死党。

那时的我们，为了赶功课，为了读书，我们就在这同样的地方读书，玩耍，做白日梦……

这里就是我们梦的出发点，我们的快乐时光一幕幕的在我面前擦肩而过，使我甜蜜的笑了。这也许就是一种归属感，对母校的归属感，对心灵的一种归属感，对地方的一种归属感，对事件的一种归属感，对万物一切的一种归属感。它也是一种甜蜜的梦，好像是一个乐园。这简直是一种天堂式的享受。

也只有在这张书桌才能打开会议的大锁，带我们到回忆的天堂。

我遗憾的向四处望，很后悔我当时没有一个留念的事物，没有照过相，现在，什么都没有的我，一瞬间就有离开会议的天堂，把这大门锁起来，只能默默掉泪。

时间的流逝，当我要掉泪而别时，我在地上发现了一样东西。

是我们喝水时丢在后面的纸杯，忘了收拾好。

我兴高采烈的时期那个纸杯，从公教中学带回了开往回忆的门锁……

落泪的第一次

2005-02-18T21:11:00.001+08:00

(This is the last time I will be focusing my topic on Romance ... Coz I had other inspirations to write on ... but this was written as I had a last strong feeling abt this matter ...)

对你的坚决是风吹不倒的，
对你的感觉是雨打不下的。
对你的期待是水冲不走的，
却被你一次又一次的拒绝。

风摧毁了我的生命力，
雨打的我心里好痛苦。
水冲走了心中的温暖，
我活在一个黑暗世界。

多么希望能你的心是透明的，
让我看得出你心中在想什么，
多希望自己下定决心不爱你，
顽强的抵抗却被你多次逼退。

当我为你掉第一滴泪，
为你付出的那些感情，
为你的心而默默等待，
是你都不肯能体会的。

明知道要你陪在我身边是不可能的，
我却傻傻的等待奇迹到来的那一天，
但你却一次次用扫把扫开我的等待，
还把我心中的泪一滴滴地扫到眼中。

等到你是不可能的，
我的痛你肯定不能体会，
只希望直到有一天你会发现，
一个爱你的人真在默默为你守着。

第一次拉手

2005-02-14T21:13:00.000+08:00

(This is placed deliberately on Valentine to show my love ... Hope i can dedicate tis aso to those man out there who are unable to get the heart of their love ones ... U can try dedicating via the comments box ... -_-)

你的手，又娇嫩，又温柔，第一次碰你的手时，我就发觉自己已经失去了自我。

老天也就这样开始的玩弄我。

老天的巧合也太荒谬了，当我不认识你时，他却让我碰上你，让我因为误会而拉了你的手。但是，这一次完美的巧合却使我无法忘怀。你那双温柔的双手深深地打动了我的心，你那张单纯般的脸孔深深的捆绑了我的心，最主要的，你那一双眼睛深深的凝视着我，似乎把千言万语都隐藏在那双眼睛里，我似乎被你的眼神给电住了。我从此下定爱的决心要靠近你，认识你。

这几天里，我发觉你不止散发出女人的魅力，也是一个和蔼可亲，懂得怎么去关怀别人的好朋友。当我在我最失落的时候，你的出现似乎给我的心强酊剂。当我需要一个好又在身旁鼓励我，支持我，你的出现使我感到一种非墨笔可形容的热诚。看来我对父母所说过的‘不过二十不走女朋友’的话要变成谎言了。

后来，我们之间产生了误会，加上你和我被分配到不同的班，我们似乎疏远了。而就在这个时候，我才感受到真正的寂寞。当你不在我的身边时，我的心情，就有如被寂寞的针线无情的捆绑着，绑的好紧，好痛，绑到甚至割入了我的心，心一直不停的流血。这时，我才发觉自己陷入了爱情的织网，想要逃脱也来不及了……

当我发觉到自己喜欢上你时，我曾经试着忘了你。我绞尽脑汁，想尽千方百计，就是为了要忘记你。但无论我做什么，我的结论只有一个：我不能忘记你。当我看见你的眼神时，那种感觉简直无法形容。触摸了你的手就有如触电似的，让我感觉到神魂颠倒。

现在一个多月了，我还是无法忘记你。当我发现身边的朋友一个个成双成对时，就会发现身边空荡荡的，没有一个来关怀我，体会我的感受的人。这时，寂寞的龙卷风就开始袭击我那脆弱心，我又一次又一次地受到了寂寞的折磨……

这也许就是老天爷和你派来折磨我的恶魔，使我有泪哭不出。身边的人都不了解我，我也罢了。朋友不了解我，我也罢了。现在你已疏远我了，我感觉到痛楚，孤单，寂寞，甚至要到自闭的程度。

现在的我，还是很孤单。

希望你看了这篇文章以后，会给我一线希望。

情人节？

2005-02-13T13:58:00.000+08:00

情人节快到了。

也许那一天晚上还是会跟往常一样，独自坐在家里看那无聊的电视。也许会是独自到咖啡店吃饭，或者是到电影院去选个单人坐的座位看电影。（情人节时电影院有单人坐的座位吗？）

可能我回到东海岸去观赏风景，还是到小桂林去欣赏美景。（情人节时，大家双双对对，我自己一个人独自到那种烂漫的地方，会感到很尴尬，可能更加感觉到无奈吗？）

晚上回家时，也不到任何地方，就直接上网去找别人聊，希望能找到一个知己，听我苦诉我自己纳闷、孤单、寂寞、又无奈的心理。（情人节时，大家成双成对出去吃饭，哪还会有人上网去闲聊，去理我这寂寞的小心灵？）

往床上一奔，整个人跳入了床里，以为只要好好睡一觉，第二天醒来就没事了，谁知那张床也在折磨我，让我辗转难眠，思潮起伏，它的影子在我脑海里一直不停的出现。（情人节时，她也有自己的节目，会知道我在想她吗？）

为你付出那种伤心你永远不了解，为何我要勉强自己爱上你的一切？但是，你又狠狠逼退我的防备，就算我防备的像刺猬，也是无事于补。（情人节时，所有的情人也是因为这样而结合起来的吗？）

明知道让你离开他的世界不可能会，我还傻傻等待奇迹出现的那一天，希望哪一天你会发现，爱你的人独自守着伤悲。（情人节时，大家有没有看过这样傻有这样痴情的人？）

也许，我就是那稀有品种的人。

太阳

2005-02-07T15:07:00.000+08:00

每天早晨起来时，天边还乏着鱼肚白，整个人阴沉沉的，似乎又是个很闷的一天。

但是，一道强烈的光从天边找出来，把我的人生照亮了。

也许，那也就是恋爱的力量吧 ……

爱的力量可以比喻作太阳，它可以照亮一个人的生命，使一个人的生命恢复它原有的活力，让人感觉到世上还是有人关心着他，照顾他，并且愿意牺牲一切，只要有他，什么就可以了。就是因为如此，所以世上有千千万万的人‘为爱而活’。我也是其中之一，因为你的存在就等于太阳的出现，把我的生命变得有意义。也许没有爱的感觉会是非常的黑暗，寂寞的。就是这个太阳让我感觉历史上的光与温暖。

说到温暖，太阳也给我们意想不到的温暖。没有了太阳，地球人是不可能会活的，花草是不可能会长的如此茂盛，世界更不可能会发展到如此。我心中的那个小城市也就是因为你那膨大的太阳照活了，我心中的爱给你暖开了，我心中的坚定因为你的太阳才有用，我心中的眷恋也跟着你的太阳一起升出来了，我的思想也因为你的太阳而照活了。我生命中的一切一切是因为你这太阳的温暖而活了起来。

你是我心中的太阳，你照亮我心中的城市，你把我心里的世界的每一个人物都照活了。对于这一切，我也只能用感谢太阳的方式感谢你吧。

你和我和她之间

2005-02-03T23:42:00.000+08:00

在我的心里头似乎来到了冬天
想找地方暖身却找不到
原以为抱你在胸口是温暖的
想不到却烫伤了我的心

东边又在刮起了强烈的寂寞风
刮得我心里在颤抖着
刮得我伤口直发痛
你却狠狠的离我而去

心中的伤口发炎至流血了
却没有人来安慰我
孤独的站在大雪中央
只能望着你的背影远远离我而去

你跟他去了以后
思念的风每分每秒的在打击我
寂寞的线绑的我心好痛
细雨打的我心发麻
只希望你回来

草

2005-02-02T20:30:00.000+08:00

草的生命力很强，但它也有脆弱的时候。

草的生命力很强，就算遇到了狂风暴雨，风吹雨打，它的根依旧会紧拉着土地，决不会放弃。就算风再吹，雨再大，草还是默默的咬紧牙关，就算剩下渺茫的机会生存，它也不肯放弃一丝一毫的希望。可别小看他们的脆弱，顽强的意志力能使他们渡过难关，所谓‘天下无难事，只怕有心人’，它们那顽强的意志力肯定能让他们雨过天晴。也许爱情就是那么样的。

对一个人的热爱就有如草一样的坚定，当我们下定爱的决心时，就算前边波涛汹涌，天边再挂起大风，下起大雨，小雨甚至把心中的自尊和自信打碎，只要是有爱，就会给我们一种巨大无比的力量。这种力量就会使我们的意志力坚忍不拔，挨到最后的胜利。这种爱的力量深深的烙印在我的心里，也改变了身边的许多朋友。这种力量是神圣的，是至高无上的，是没有人可以否认的力量。也许我们可以把它称为恋爱的力量吧。

但是，和草一样，爱情也有十分脆弱的时候。如果要草好好的生长，它必须要阳光以及充分的水份。如果少了其中一样条件，那就有如扬汤止沸，就算你个它多少的肥料，它还是会枯萎的。同样的，爱情如果要有好的结果，就要有感觉和真心相对。如果少了感觉，就算对方对你心有独钟，那也只不过是一厢情愿罢了。但是，最重要的还是要真心相对。如果我们对双方隐瞒，那就好像草席受不了阳光，不到半天就会枯萎了。

在我心中有一股恋爱的力量，这种力量是因为你而发出来的，这就是感觉的开始，也就是草所需要的水份。当我把我的秘密告诉你时，我就已对你真心相对，是草的阳光；你接受了我的秘密，也就是接受了我的真心，开始了感觉；你加以安慰我，就把你的真心也交给了我。我不敢指望太多，只希望我们的爱情会像草那么坚强。

跑步

2005-02-01T20:34:00.000+08:00

跑步，不止对身心有益，也有好多的益处。

当我沉浸在跑步时，我就不会再感到孤单，寂寞，而开始胡思乱想。在跑步的当儿，我能感受到风陪伴我，吹过我的脸，感觉到很清爽。而我也感觉到心在狂跳，不失为美女而跳，是为了运血而跳。血也跟着再流，我也不会觉得孤单儿没人陪，‘惆怅而独悲’。

跑步时，我的心只会一心一意的专心跑，不去管周围四处的环境，也更把心中的苦闷都到了出来，这样，我把心中的不愉快说给空气听，把自己的痛楚和脚分享，不信中在沸腾的热血喷出给身上的寒酸看，简直使我的心开朗了许多。

跑完了，人也累了，休息的时候了，这时，跑步也开始产生了副作用……

想往日，一定会有个人走向我而拿毛巾给我擦汗，甚至手伸出来望我脸上一擦，一瞬间，仿佛时间停止了，我也沉浸在这种优美的感觉。我多么希望这种感觉永远永远地都不要离开我，但是，我不能保留住她。宇宙还是的旋转，时间还是要走，而这种感觉也就在回忆中消失了……

在向一阵子，我口也渴了。我伸手拿出书包的水壶一看，发掘水壶空荡荡的，就有如我的身边一样，没人在旁边。以前的我懒得去餐厅装水，那个人也会顺手帮我拿去，装了水回来给我喝。那水虽然是白开水，但对我来说，进入口里，心里感觉甜滋滋的，有如蜜糖似的。现在，就算有蜜糖可以喝，我也会觉得蜜糖很苦……

我真不知以后该不该跑步，虽然益处很多，但副作用也不少……

离别

2005-01-31T22:58:00.000+08:00

看着你的背影远远离我而去
心中的那些话哽在喉咙
想到一切已经太晚了因为是自己不了解你
试着向你道歉怕你不接受

心中的想念让我一整夜都失眠
胸口的那些话却说不出
视线突然模糊了许多眼泪一颗颗不停的掉下来
只希望你能回头
看我煎熬着日子

想让你知道你是我心中所有一切
你的出现使我开朗了
你代表我世界
你的出现使我失去自我

封闭的心因你而打开
寂寞因你而离开
希望本来已经回来
但因你离开

线

2005-01-31T19:19:00.000+08:00

坐在椅子上，整个人精疲力尽，昏昏欲睡。然而，心里的痛楚就有如外头的风景一样的黑暗。

不知怎么了，今天的月亮似乎没有散发光芒，只是默默地被天上的乌云所掩蔽着。

心里正在淌着血……

坐在一张椅子上，手上捧着唯一一杯咖啡，望着对面空荡荡的椅子上，回忆中的一幕幕似乎察肩而过，她似乎就在我眼前出现，对我微微一笑，羞涩的坐了哪张椅子。现在，她却消失得无影无踪了。

她的出现实在让我失去了自我，我似乎感觉到了爱的捆绑，一丝丝甜如蜜糖的线绑着我的心，我感觉到自己虽然失去了自由，心里却喜滋滋的。

现在坐在那张空椅子的，却是一层有一层薄薄的空气……

空气啊，我多么希望你能说话！至少我不会寂寞，至少我不会孤单，至少我不会受到爱情的折磨，至少我会有一个知心伴侣在一旁听我诉苦，至少有人会理我，至少有人会安慰我……

你知道吗空气，现在我的心情，就有如被寂寞的针线无情的捆绑着，绑的好紧，好痛，绑到甚至割入了我的心，心一直不停的流血。但是，我却无法阻止这样的事，想不到爱情的线竟然变成了寂寞的线，蜜糖竟然变成了苦瓜……

你知道吗空气，我的眼泪一直忍不住想流下，但眼睛也似乎遭受到了寂寞布的捆绑，眼泪想流也流不出，心里有多么的难过，难受，嘴巴却似乎变哑了，什么都说不出来，因为，寂寞又再一次控制了我全身……

一条线虽小，虽细，但如果它要伤害人，简直是易如反掌，而且会害的人们伤痕累累，杀伤力简直无法忽视……

答案

2005-01-31T19:15:00.000+08:00

(This is aso my first essay!)

秋天的落叶随着秋风飘落下来。

我们深深的凝视着对方，话又不知从如何说起。

都是我的错，一切都是我的错，是我没好好了解你的感受，是我忽略了你，是我让你在朋友前感到尴尬，是我的懦弱让你没有安全感，是我的倔强让你颜面无存，是我的疏忽让你感到不满，是我的任性让你感到烦恼，你所承受的一切一切的痛苦都是我一个人造成的，现在在我心里，只剩下我对你的眷恋，我对你的信任，和我要你给的 ……答案。

这一切都是我造成的，我是罪魁祸首，我们的感情会因此破碎，都是我的过错。因为我的野蛮，你失去了应有的自由；因为我的任性，你失去了该有的尊严；因为我过分的爱，让你觉得你的生活遭受捆绑；因为我的嫉妒，你被我无缘无故的骂了无数次，你所失去的一切一切的自由都是我一个人造成的，现在在我心里所剩下的，只是一颗会跳的心，会为你跳的心，会因为你而等待，等到我所要的……答案。

不行！她当初是怎么对我的？难道这一切的耻辱你都忘了吗？难道闹到了现在的情形，你还想和她在一起吗？……

不行！你能原谅他所对你做过的一切吗？你忘了他所做的一切吗？现在到了这种下场，你还要和他在一起吗？……

但是，你舍得他吗？

秋天的落叶随着秋风飘落下来。

我们深深的凝视着对方，话又不知从如何说起。

心中的话一直无法说出来，我们只能默默无闻。最后，还是我开了口说话……

被拒绝的感觉

2005-01-31T19:12:00.000+08:00

(This is the first piece i wrote, so a lot of mistakes may appear ... sorrie! -_-)

一个人独自喝咖啡独自欣赏着美景
看着身边的空桌椅寂寞控制了心里

天边突然刮起了大风刮起了我心里的思念
牛郎和织女分开的心一定很苦
苦头在心难以说出

我只想要你陪我就这么样你却拒绝我
我真地想你想到头发都白了
苦得比浓咖啡还苦难以遏制
只能对你的背影说我想你

我只想要你陪我就这么样你却拒绝我
我真地想你想到心都快疯了
没有你的日子陪是黑暗孤独
希望你能接受我再让我爱你